Greek Life Explained Through Google

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In a world where speedy access to information is crucial, Google’s recommended search feature has saved countless milliseconds across the globe. While this feature can often be a slight convenience for your own searches, sometimes the results of Google’s nudging can be nothing short of hilarious. By examining a few common questions that have been frequently typed into Google, we can get a good judgement on the kind of things those outside of our prosperous peer group might wonder.

Before we go on, you have to remember the fact that typing a direct question into Google is generally the most idiotic way to find information. If you’re going to use Google like an 87-year-old grandmother, you’re generally going to have a bad time (unless, of course, you consider Yahoo! Answers a reputable fact finding website). So without further ado, let’s see exactly what a few strategic searches will show us about the geedier side of life.

G1

Ah, a solid starting point. Here we see a simple stem of a question- “Are fraternities ____.” Seems easy enough, but the results are all but predictable. The first thing that stands out to me- how the fuck would someone consider us “demonic?” Many of the houses I know stem from Christian roots, but apparently a large chunk of GDI’s out there think we just sit around a pentagram all day jerking each other off using goat’s blood as a lubricant. I mean, the goat’s blood, maybe, but I’ve never seen any pentagrams. Are we gangs? Perhaps, in a way, but we’re not about to start slinging any rock under the highway overpass if that’s why you’re asking. Are we worth it? If you have to ask, you’ll probably never know.

G2

One of the biggest mysteries for a GDI companions lies in the essence and allure of the typical sorority girl. While they may not understand their monogrammed ways, these questions suggested offer an interesting insight. First of all, apparently a large chunk of Potential New Members out there aren’t exactly happy with their permanent records, as is clearly shown by the background checks questions. Chances are, if you have a dark skeleton literally or figuratively hidden in your closet, it’s going to find its way out one way or another. A final point of note lies in the blatantly retarded question “do sororities drink.” Of course they drink, my GDI presumably still in high school friend. Just not until they’re finished making us sandwiches.

G3

As we dive deeper into the Google Search mysteries, our next stop lies in our direct actions as fraternity men. While many may see us in the lavish lifestyles we are known for, few truly understand the 90-proof blood that flows through our patriotic veins. Why do we like Wagon Wheel? Because it’s a fucking awesome song, why else would someone enjoy a piece of music, idiot? Why do we like Ronald Reagan? Because he was an amazing president. It seems that those out there who use Google to find out more about Greek life are prone to asking extremely retarded questions. Let’s just move on before I throw my laptop at the first Affliction-loving bastard that walks by me.

G4

Pledging, the topic on apparently every high school tryhard’s mind out there. The common consensus for this one seems to be the general question of if pledging is a difficult as it’s made out to be. The obvious answer, is yes. Pledging sucks big fat elephant dick most of the time. It’s not just an elaborate hoax that we’ve been playing on the entire pre-rush community for decades. Are you going to want to quit at some points? Probably, if you’re a pussy. Is it worth it? Only if you want your college experience to be one of the most fun, fast paced, and rewarding experiences of your life. If that doesn’t sound good to you, then you’re just not pledge material.

G5

We round out this completely unscientific study with another examination of sorority girls, and what exactly the independents wonder about their characters. While we’ve been fans of their big shirts, nike shorts, and fanny packs for years now, it seems that a lot of people wonder why exactly sorority women make these fashion choices. As if some mystical website, www.thisiswhysororitygirlsdressthewaytheydo.com, would just mystically appear from thin air to explain something as abstract as fashion choices for an entire group of people. Well, I can’t speak for Lilly or fanny packs, but there’s a pretty good possibility that the “big shirt” you see a sorority girl rocking didn’t come from her own clothing collection, if you catch my drift. Finally, I don’t know what the fuck sorority girls these Google users know, but I’ve never met a single sorority girl with a “raspy voice.” I imagine throwing out a frog-throated greeting during recruitment wouldn’t go over so well.

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