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Gronk Is Back And No Women Are Safe

With a cast freshly removed from his shotgunning arm and a Patriots helmet once again strapped to his Herculean jawline, everyone’s favorite jock, Rob Gronkowski, is back, and with a vengeance.

The last time we heard from Gronk, he was raging his face off following the Pats’ epic 2011 Super Bowl choke job against Dumb Face Manning The Younger.

And then, for two long and seemingly never-ending years…radio silence on the Gronk front. Dude had his life on airplane mode. But why? Had the injuries taken a toll? Had America’s most notorious party boy finally settled down?

Turns out, he was just biding his time, just to throw the biggest “I’m back, homies” convention since your newly-single pledge master threw an Independence Day barbeque…in October.

Rob Gronkowski will be hosting three hours of fun, frivolity and football lessons for women. If that didn’t tempt you enough to plunk down $99, perhaps the promise of Gronk-tinis will.

It’s like one of those awesome birthday parties you wanted when you were a kid, only this one has alcohol and, you know, only women.

You get drinks, food, games, tutelage and dessert after. Oh, and you get a T-shirt to wear in front of friends who will obviously fume with jealousy that you got to taste a Gronk-tini.

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God, I love it. Gronkowski is pretty much throwing a mixer for himself, except with a ratio of 1:1000. That’s what I love about Gronk. He’s no puppy waiting to be pet. He’s a top dog. As for dubbing his own potables as “Gronk-tinis?” That’s just Gronk being Gronk.

[via Bleacher Report]

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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