Gronk’s Porn Star Friend Retires With Emotional Video

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After climbing to the top of the adult film industry, 20-year-old Bibi Jones is retiring. Yesterday, via twitter and YouTube, the self-proclaimed “major super slut” announced that she has been unhappy with herself for some time, and after reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle she has decided to turn over a new leaf.

It turns out Bibi’s real name is Britney Maclin, and she’s tired of hurting her family by letting the world watch her get stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. She even changed her twitter handle to @Britney_Maclin as part of her recent transformation, and wrote “Starting a new chapter in my life” as her bio. Who knew porn stars read self help books, and how funny is it that she felt inclined to notify viewers that it took her a “couple months” to read the book, but not because she’s a slow reader? I wasn’t judging. I imagine it’s really fucking difficult to read a book with several oversized penises being thwacked in your face.

All things considered, something tells me she’s pulling a Michael Jordan, or Jay-Z, and this isn’t the end. I’ve personally seen this girl get rammed by over 20 individual dongs, and she’s only 20 years old. There’s no coming back from that. What morally conscious industry would even consider hiring her? I felt like she was somehow attempting to suck my dick through the computer screen during 75% of her teary retirement video for fuck’s sake. But, as Britney says, “Everyone knows that porn doesn’t last forever and family is number one.” That’s why I’d like to offer her a position as my secretary at TFM Headquarters, because family is number one.

Last NFL season, Bibi became the most searched for porn star in the world after tweeting pictures of her with Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. To see her naked, or having multiple holes filled, search “Bibi Jones” on Google.

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      Bill Fratsky

      ^^^ Whoa. Tracing his IP would involve a very in-depth coordinated effort between TFM, his ISP, the NSA, your strike team. I’m impressed by your contacts.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      Frat_The_Bunny

      “I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fuckerer. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. “

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
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      CGerdes

      I’ve seen some some people get pissed over FIRST comments, but I think this one is a record. Good on ya Bunny. But my response is bring it.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -2
      Hannibro Lecter

      ^ My thoughts exactly. Plus, once she finds out no self respecting guy would ever bother of making her anything other than a slam for the rest of her life she will probably take some more loads in her assorted holes and then go kill herself.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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