Every now and then we all experience “those days” — days where you just can’t seem to get your shit together. Maybe you woke up with a blinding headache and lying next to you is a land beast that you swore was gorgeous the night before. That can ruin any man’s day. Or maybe you stubbed your toe, banged your elbow, and took a shit without realizing there isn’t any toilet paper left; I think we all know the feeling. Turtle walking around the house trying to find a TP substitute (calling a pledge to bring you toilet paper) is never a proud moment (is one of my proudest moments). But then you read a story like this:
A security guard in the Brazilian town of Rio Claro arguably had the worst day ever after he reportedly shot his penis off with an illegal gun. To make matters worse, he also faces charges for illegal possession of a firearm.
Yeah, that will do it. Forget about day ruined; this guy’s life is absolutely unsalvageable now. I mean 99% of men that go to jail all probably think the same thing: “At least I can jerk off in the shower!” That’s not even an option for this poor shmuck. And I imagine that prison in Brazil is just a big hole in the ground that they dump you in while guards stand at the top of the hole with Ak-47s, always aimed at your head with a “give me a reason” mentality. This guy just opened up a wormhole straight to Hell on Earth.
Police found the 33-year-old man slumped over in the driver’s seat of his car after a resident reported hearing gun shots. Police say the man was bleeding from his groin area when they arrived. The man was reportedly in possession of a .38 caliber handgun with four rounds of ammunition in his pocket. The man was transported to San Fernando General Hospital where he remains under police guard. After conducting a trace of the man’s gun, police determined that he did not own a firearms users’ license. He faces charges for illegal possession of a firearm and ammunition.
Facing criminal charges huh? How about a little punishment fits the crime here? If the judge is a self-respecting man with a set of dick-and-balls, he has to sweep this one under the rug, right? This dickless guy isn’t a danger to society in any way, shape, or form and he has already paid dearly for his crime.
Let’s put this in different terms: if you were arrested for possession of an illegal firearm, would you want your sentence to be: 1) A few years in prison? Or 2) Use that same gun to shoot your own dick off? Uhhhh, I’ll take the first option every single day of the week. It’s a no-brainer. Sign me up. At least I can jerk off in the shower!
I mean, you know why they found him slumped over in the driver’s seat? Because that’s all this guy wanted to do until he bled out and died. If he had accidently shot his own arm with an illegal gun then you bet your ass he’s hauling out of there. But no, he removed his own dick by gunshot. After you do that the only reasonable move you make is to just slump your shoulders, stare at a bloody groin that used to be your prized possession, and wait for death.
Instead, this guy is going to jail. Not to mention it’s only a matter of time before a vagina grows in place of his hog and he begins to sprout a nice and perky set of B-Cups, right? I never took anatomy but I’m pretty sure that if you blow your dick off with your own gun then you start turning into a chick. It’s science.
So basically, next time you think your hangover is the worst possible thing that could happen to you, just remember that there is a Brazilian man that blew his own cock off with an illegal pistol then consequently got booked into a prison in the slums of Rio Claro. That actually happened. I imagine his nickname in there is going to be “snub nose” too, and that he will be on the receiving end of very hurtful dick jokes… and butt rape. He’ll probably be on the receiving end of butt rape.
[via The Blaze]
Image via The Blaze