Have you heard of this fun little website called Reddit dot com? It’s chock-full of interesting stories. This weekend, a Reddit user uploaded a chart tracking his jack-off habits for the world to analyze. It is — and I’m not sure I’m using the right word here — interesting.
Masturbation habits are not polite conversation topics — that should go without saying. I would never bring up masturbation at the dinner table, on the golf course, or with my distinguished coworkers — even the strange ones who have mega-sized jars of protein at their desks like office meathead Dan Regester.
Just so we are clear, masturbation stories are not up in my wheelhouse. I am not a fan of reading or writing them, so the fact that I deemed this “WORTHY TO POST” highlights just how ridiculous this psychotic human being is for tracking his private sexual habits.
The two most interesting aspects of this chart:
1. 68 minutes for his longest jack-off session? Absurd. Not real. That’s over an hour of whacking it. It’s 35 percent of James Cameron’s 1990s box-office blockbuster hit, Titanic. There is just no way any human being is that committed to jacking off unless they have literal human skeletons in their closet.
2. He only made it two days without jacking off, which means we are dealing with some kind of deranged sexual deviant here. Regular guys without girlfriends should average no more than three or four times whacking it per week. Even if this was the most normal guy in the world, I would feel uncomfortable allowing my wife and children to be near him now.
I hope to never learn of another grown man’s masturbation habits ever again. What a terrible way to start a Monday..
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