I have a question for my three female readers (mom, most recent ex, and the girl I’m currently texting with). How would you like to be dumped? That’s a serious question. I’ve literally tried every method. I’ve sent phone-long text bubbles. I’ve done it in person while I rubbed my eyes a bunch to look like I’m crying. I’ve made phone calls where I spent an hour saying “I don’t know.” I’ve even done the date that started as a date and ended as the most entertaining night of the surrounding tables’ lives. None of those methods left the girl satisfied. There’s always a reason why I chose the wrong method. How we weren’t THAT serious so coming over and doing it in person was dumb. How doing it over text was classless. How she “couldn’t believe” this was happening over the phone. There’s honestly never been a breakup where a girl got upset and at some point calmed down enough to say, “I don’t like what’s happening, but you’ve got class and I respect that.” You’d think with all this experience that would have happened once.
Yesterday I received a text from a girl I’d recently ended things with. The text went something like (loosely quoting) “You ending things via text on a Thursday at 2 p.m. when I’m at work, really effin low. It was a big fuck you.” So for all the guys out there, Thursday at 2 p.m. is now a “bad time.” Take that one off the table for breakups. It’s a very specific time frame. One that leaves me wondering if I missed by an hour. Maybe Monday at 10:30 p.m. would have been better. Maybe the text yesterday would have been a thank you for not ruining The Bachelor. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten this text or email. I call them “Finishing Moves.” It’s the last thing a girl writes to you to sum up the relationship and how it ended. It usually comes when they’ve moved on and can process how wrong you were and how evil you acted. It’s the Monday Morning QB of emails. It’s always a recap like the one above. “I can’t believe you did it on this day and at this time and via this method.”
I don’t mind that she or any girl gets upset. I’ve been dumped and it hurts. It’s like a surprise party thrown by a mumbling idiot. My biggest issue is this idea that women are morally centered and men are animals in need of training. As if I hadn’t been taught right from wrong. When I get dumped, I never feel the need to teach the girl how to do it better the next time. Admonish her for ruining my weekend or my brunch or not having a little respect that my birthday that’s “literally 22 days away” (that happened once). When I’m dumped I appreciate that it happened. That the girl took a look at our relationship, put a gun to its head, and quickly pulled the trigger. Whether it was done messy or quickly or over a text, I was just happy that I knew it was over and I got an extra day with hair on my head and a refractory period that’s less than a few hours to go out and find someone new. I’ve never thought about the “How” because that’s just a waste of time.
I hear girls complain about the “slow fade” and “ghosting.” There’s no worse way to get dumped than to not know you’re being dumped. You’re living in a dream world until one day you realize that you’ve been telling family members about an adult version of an imaginary friend. But this is the creation of the girls who got stuck on the “How.” When the dating rules were simpler and first dates led to second dates and second dates led to thirds and thirds led to promise rings, sure the breakups were more defined and right and wrong could exist. But today, we live in a world of blurred relationships. We are signed up for that. If you say that you’re “Hanging out” with someone then you can’t ask for a less vague ending than your label. But since you keep asking and getting angry at the realities of a Tinder world, the response is to have none at all. The “slow fade” and the “ghost” continue because when a guy goes through all the breakup options he hears all the other exes telling him why that was the wrong move. And so it drags. He gives it another week. He rationalizes canceling. He get’s enough space from the person until one day, ignoring is easier than choosing Thursday at 2 in the afternoon..