Image via Instagram
Is your bank account running dry from taking care of all those unwanted pregnancies in your life? Are you tired of all those uncomfortable, nerve-racking “What do we do now?” conversations you’ve had with girls whose last names are as big a mystery to you as their views on Roe versus Wade? Does your fertility conversion rate make Genghis Khan look like a dickless, unsullied cuck? It might be time to put down the weights, big boy.
Researchers found that exercise was linked not only to improvement in sperm quality, but also to increased odds of their partners becoming pregnant. In other words, a few months of moderate exercise actually demonstrated the ability to reverse male infertility.
One caveat to these studies is that it doesn’t seem to be the case that all exercise is equal when it comes to the health of men’s sperm — professional male cyclists who began biking at least 12 hours per week for 16 weeks experienced not just a drop in their sperm counts, but also a decrease in the quality of the sperm they produced.
Beyond getting moderate exercise, changing other aspects of your lifestyle may also help improve the health of your sperm. Specifically, you might want to cut back on your smoking and drinking, as well as your coffee and soda habits in light of research finding that high levels of tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine consumption are linked to lower quality semen.
Look, we all know condoms aren’t a practical option in the real world. And, with that strong ass seed of yours from all the heavy lifting, the pill or an IUD isn’t going to cut it either. It’s very plausible just gazing into some young lady’s eyes could be more than enough to pop a mini you right into her belly — especially if you’re repping 225 like it’s the NFL combine.
I don’t care how desperate in life you get, no one should ever have to subject themselves to becoming a “cyclist.” So, it seems our only solution for our “can’t miss” superior semen is to trade in the forty pound kettlebells for forty ounces of malt liquor and a carton of Marlboro reds. There’s just no birth control method on the current market comparable to getting fat, drunk, and smelling like an ash tray. Become a bowling alley league night personified and you’ll never have to worry about the consequences of sex ever again..