Does your mom constantly worry about you? Understandable, that’s what moms are there for. In this case, the mother in question took her concern for her baby boy a little too far—she’s auctioning off his v-card on Craigslist. Believe me, you don’t want to miss this encounter. Mommy Dearest just wants her little boy to be happy, and thinks that losing it to the girl of her choice will create a sexual panther. He’ll be infamous for his sexual prowess, roaming the halls of Harvard banging sloots left and right, because that’s what happens at Harvard, right?
This poor virgin is going to be scarred for life after this encounter procured by his pimp mom (Pimp Mom actually sounds like great reality TV). She’s like the Kris Kardashian of the Ivy League world. I wonder if the creation of a sex tape is included? In the ad, the wannabe Kardashian matriarch clarifies that she’s not looking for a cougar, because that could be weird. I like that she’s kind enough to consider that an older woman would “probably freak him out,” without contemplating the fact that his mom whoring him out on the interwebs might scar him just a little bit more. After all, getting it in for the first time is a high pressure event, and probably even more so if your mom arranged the whole shebang.
Mom’s plan is to buy them tickets to “some great concert.” As freaky as this mom sounds, and as socially awkward as her son must be, what “great concert” is she referring to? Could it be Justin Bieber? The son strikes me as a Belieber. Is it something sexier to get them in the mood, like One Direction? I guess I won’t know until I respond to the Craigslist ad, so I’ll report back soon. After all, mommy says she can make your financial issues disappear (which makes her sound vaguely like a hit man), and why work when I could just deflower a nerd?
I know we live in a generation of helicopter parenting, but a mother plotting her son’s first act of penetration is excessive. While this boy probably spends a whole lot of time imagining his first time alone in his bedroom, mom has spent even more time devising the actual plan. She goes so far as to make the special request that the girl in question shows her baby lots of sexual positions. Sorry, but a mother thinking about her son discovering the wonders of reverse cowgirl makes me want to vom. So, ladies, if you’re trekking up north this summer and hoping to upgrade your vehicle of choice with all the cash money coming your way, hop on this opportunity fast, because it’s (literally) not going to last long.
Here’s the ad in full:
[via The Daily Dot]