Here Are Some Of The Most Hilariously Awful, Boner-Destroying Sex Stories The Internet Has To Offer

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Sex takes many forms. Good sex. Bad sex. Make up sex. Hate sex. But one sex that always makes a great story is the worst sex of your life. Just the most miserable, hilariously awful, boner-destroying sex you’ve ever experienced. A memory you’ve tried to block from your mind but can’t figure out how to eliminate it no matter how hard you try.

Well guess what, pal — you’re not alone. The internet cesspool known as Reddit has compiled some of the worst sex stories of all-time for your enjoyment. Please note: If any of these stories get you going at all in any way, you are probably psychotic.

From Reddit:

Was giving my boyfriend oral sex and when he thrust into my mouth, his penis went under my tongue and tore the membrane that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. Couldn’t move my tongue for about 3 weeks.

He almost literally fucked your brains out.

Self heating massage oils that read “for external use only” are not fucking around with that warning label. Minute one great sex. Minute two “hmmm that’s a little warm”. Minute three both of us curled up in a fetal position with ice packs on our junk.

I’ve had similar experiences with Gold Bond.

We were in my car after work near the woods. Half way through, someone bangs on the window yelling “What the fuck are you doing?”… It was her ex boyfriend.

…Surprise!

First girlfriend in high school that I had sex with. She was bisexual but I thought she might just be a lesbian. Most times she would literally just lay on her back and not move. She refused to touch my dick. 90%of the time I couldn’t even cum.

The first time I did cum, in a condom, she panicked and told her parents that she thought she was pregnant. Relationship didn’t last much longer.

I’m sure her father was thrilled with you.

I had an asthma attack mid-way through sex with some random dude (I’m a woman). He was on top in missionary and I started gasping and trying to push him off me so I could get my inhaler. He starts saying “oh you like that?” and went harder. He thought I was cumming. I was not.

So did you like it?

One of the girls I dated in college was very sheltered and it sometimes led to some interesting situations. The first time we attempted sex, she tried to finger that area between my butt and my balls and managed to stab her index finger down onto my left testicle, and she had decently long fingernails. I nearly puked from the pain. Needless to say, I was completely done with anything sexual after all that, and we just watched TV the rest of the evening while I sat on the couch whimpering.

Puncturing the taint sounds absolutely brutal.

Had a woman give me a blowjob with poprocks. I initially thought it would be awesome. Had to have her stop because it felt like gravel rubbing against the head of my dick.

There is no way any sane person would ever think this is a good idea.

Guy with huge, awesome, penis put it in me, never thrusted once, then pulled out immediately and came. Wouldn’t have been so terrible if he at least went down on me.

It was nice to meet you!

The first time I tried masturbating with my left hand. It was like getting a handjob from someone with Parkinson’s.

Michael J. Fox says hello.

Was doing 69 and got pooped on… I saw it coming, so I was able to move a bit. It landed on my chest instead of my face.

Took her home and deleted/blocked her number. Fuck my life.

I bet it was like slow motion.

Well I’ve posted something about this incident before, but here goes… A girl I had a serious crush on in high school made me come with her. We were at this big outside party, we were making out, heavy petting – drunk as shit, and I thought I was going to get it on. She proceeded to guide me to a small wood thicket. I was getting hard at this point thinking oh my god, OH MY GOD, outside sex… Then she sqatted down and took a shit.

Did she reverse-blumpkin you at least??

My friend was graduating college so he threw his self an “Ice cream and stripper party.” he ordered a stripper to his place and we watched a stripper fuck herself with 20 dudes while eating ice cream. It was the best/weirdest experience I had so far. Watching live porn and and eating ice cream with sprinkles. After the show ended this tinder girl messaged me, it was like 2 am at this point. She came over to my place and I was so excited from the show that I lasted 3 thrust with this girl. She left right away. I was embarrassed but satisfied I got laid and had a belly full of ice cream.

I miss college so much.

Tried to have anal and just wasn’t feeling it that night. He got up and left the house.

It was my husband.

Marriage. So much to look forward to.

Was doing the sex, her on top. She got a little too rough and it bent. Immediate, boner-crushing pain. She said “oops!” and tried to keep going. I had to get her off of me, then she got mad at me and said that if we couldn’t have sex, shed just leave. Which is exactly what she did.

This is worse than getting hit in the balls, in my opinion.

Tried it in a pool once. Would not recommend. 0/10.

Can confirm. Not a good idea.

Sex in the shower.. we slipped and fell.. got a little beat up.

Sex in the shower is always terrible.

I lost my virginity to a girl who was 9.5 months pregnant. She was induced the next week. She had been a stripper when I met her through mutual friends. Kept hanging out with those friends and she was always around. One day our mutual friends made up an excuse to leave us alone. We were watching Squidbillies and she jumped me. My dick was numb the entire time. She got off in about 3 minutes and then it was over.

Sex with a pregnant stripper? That might be a new human low.

Bought some really expensive leather wrist and ankle restraints for my gf, we have tied up before and she was really into it.
We strapped her down and started getting freaky. Then out of nowhere she starts crying and shit… like REALLY upset. Turns out she hates being tied up and was just playing along before cause she wanted to make me happy.
Worst feeling ever.

Congrats, man. Now you terrify her.

I was taking a night class, and started chatting to this girl during our smoke break. Eventually she came over, and we did the typical movie / couch cuddle / making out. She gave me one of the best BJ’s I’ve ever had, and I was thinking, ‘ man, she’s going to fuck like a porn star, this is going to be awesome’ We go to my room, she’s on top, and acting a bit uncomfortable, like I’m in too deep (not bragging). She rides for a bit, then suddenly says ‘ did I tell you my dad used to molest me?’

We have a winner.

To read more comments and stories from this glorious thread, click HERE.

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[via Reddit]

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