The methodology for this map is simple, and probably flawed. DrugAbuse.com combed social media to find which American cities most enjoyed sharing with the world that they were partaking in some sort of vice, whether it be drinking a few margs after work with office friends, or shootin’ skag (that’s heroin!) in a junkyard with a guy named Tanker while firing handguns at stray dogs and talking about life and death.
The problem with using social media posts to determine which people use which drugs the most is that I don’t trust that the people who talk about doing said drugs the most are the ones who actually do them the most. How much of a pussy drinker is the guy who tells you about exactly how much he drank? Does anyone really believe that guy goes the hardest? I was once at a random party, and some random jerkoff decided our conversation needed an update on how much he had drank the night before. “Yeah bro I had probably about, uh, nine beers, four shots, plus two whiskey cokes, and then we actually took another shot too. Yeah I was fucked up man. It was whatever,” he boasted, shrugging nonchalantly. After mentally dividing his stated number of drinks by four to reveal what was probably a more accurate count, I wanted nothing more than to hand him two shots of Rumple Minze, wait thirty minutes, and then laugh as he peed his pants and collapsed in the living room.
The same rule, presumably, goes for something like cocaine, which is apparently consumed in Des Moines, Iowa more than any other U.S. city. LIES! If only because less people in L.A., Vegas, New Orleans, or New York feel it necessary to brag about doing blow. No one’s impressed there, because fucking everyone else is doing it too. Plus who has time to pull out their phone and tweet when there are three more lines on that hooker’s ass? And also, that hooker stole their phone.
Here’s the map showing which cities are the respective vice capitals of the U.S.
I buy gambling in Vegas, weed in Denver, meth in Albuquerque (because Ozark locals have yet to be introduced to the internet), and possibly sex in New Orleans, though for the latter, are we talking hookers or just banging? Seems to me whichever city has the biggest population would also have the most people bumping stuff (or doing most things, for that matter). It’s just a numbers game. But what do I know? Watch that assumption be totally wrong and the sex capital of America be Salt Lake City. You don’t marry five women to NOT constantly do sex to them, as my grandfather told me while we flipped through a picture book of the secret island wives he kept during his tour in the Pacific in World War II. New Orleans being the number one prescription drug user might as well be true, because it’s New Orleans, and one of my fraternity brothers once saw a guy walking around Mardi Gras casually sipping a bottle of Nyquil. So, sure, why not?
Meanwhile, Des Moines does less cocaine in a week than Quentin Tarantino’s entourage does during a single night’s strip club visit. The whitest thing about Des Moines is the people of Des Moines, not their narcotics. No way is Des Moines hitting the slopes harder than the rest of the country. That’s not a knock against Des Moines (before any Iowa kids decide to argue with me, remember that nobody wants to be the person doing the most coke, so calm down you easily excitable cokeheads), that’s just the truth. Maybe coke finally made its way up to Iowa and everyone got really excited? It’s like when a Chick-Fil-A opens in a new town and everyone posts about it on Facebook.
Buffalo being the king of MDMA also seems off, but I have no better answers, so fuck it. Columbus could legitimately be a heroin hotbed, because the drug has taken a hard fall from rock and roll to redneck, and Ohio is a truly underrated white trash state. Still, heroin seems like it’s a California drug first. Finally, while I respect the drinking prowess that the people of Pittsburgh possess, it’s not outdrinking New Orleans or Chicago (an extremely underrated drunk city). Plus, why would anyone in New Orleans tweet about drinking a beer when they also popped three Xanax and a diseased hooker?
Gambling and weed are probably the only two surefire yeses on the list. Everything else is questionable at best, especially when you consider the narrow list of terms the people at DrugAbuse.com used.
Those terms, wow. Who works for DrugAbuse.com, my mom?