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I Don’t Know Why The New Hipster Trend Of “Beard Jewelry” Enrages Me So Much, But It Does

I used to think there was no way a beard couldn’t look manly. If a dude’s got a dense mane of face pubes, he could be skipping down the street with a lollipop in his mouth, Abba’s “Dancing Queen” blaring audibly from his headphones, and he’d still look kind of badass.

But there’s a new hipster trend threatening to castrate even the most immaculate of chin curtains. It’s called beard jewelry, and it looks fucking terrible.

Why should you worry about it? Because it just raised enough money on Kickstarter to become a thing. That’s right, somebody looked at that fruity little face ornament and thought Ooo a skull? Fucking metal. I need to have it. The thing is, beard jewelry has the opposite effect. It looks like he got some glitter stuck in there after sucking a cock in a San Francisco bar in exchange for a free round of appletinis.

The official results are in. Beard jewels have already skyrocketed to the top of the most NF things to wear, two places behind cargos and one place behind fedoras.

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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