Hipster Designs Beer Pong Table; Fails Miserably

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

A hipster from DePaul University got caught up in his hipster ways. He developed a product that was too cool for mainstream clientele. Hey pal, how on God’s beautiful green earth are we supposed to bounce the pong ball in the cup with a goddamn half-pipe in the center of the table?

If Joseph Mollo, a 22-year-old recent DePaul University grad, has anything to say about it, that could be the new face of beer pong. Mollo, an entrepreneurship major at DePaul, designed a poplar-and-cast-iron beer pong table with a sleek curved surface and LED lights to highlight those red Solo cups.

Joey, contact the business program at DePaul and demand at least a partial refund for not just omitting one of the most important facets of this college pastime, but making a complete mockery of it. Bad business. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

“If I tell people I make an $800 beer pong table and I don’t have a picture, they walk away laughing,” Mollo said. But “once they see it, they change their minds.”

You’re showing it to the wrong people, Joey. I don’t know how much you invested in your Research and Development department, but all you had to do was drive to the local university and talk to about five people. Twenty bucks in gas – that’s all it would have taken to master your design.

After years spent in college enjoying beer pong, Mollo decided he wanted to elevate the game. The dip in the middle of the table allows a complicated, skeeball-like shot in which the player rolls the ball along the dip so that it pops up into the cup.

I’m setting the odds at 30-1 that the beer pong games Mollo participated in during his “years spent in college” never took place outside his geed-laden, two bedroom apartment.

Mollo said he has heard some criticism that beer pong promotes binge-drinking, but said the new breed of player might not even put beer in their cup. They’ll have a delicious microbrew on the side to sip and put water in the cups on the table.

“If you’re playing to get drunk, that’s what you can do,” he said, but “it’s not about chugging all 10 cups of beer. It’s about winning.”

And I’m done. Water instead of beer? Sipping microbrews? Joey, the guy in the below photo is your target demographic, and he is not buying your table.

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

More From Roger_Dorn »

Comments

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

    • 3
      Frat So Hard U

      I’m a big fan of using the coordinated simultaneous bounce-throw combo. The opposition doesn’t know what hit them and psychologically they know they are fucked.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      Jon M Fratsman

      It’s not just a regional thing. Although I’ve never been much of a bounce guy, we have always played those rules. And yeah, a ball back that stays on the table gets a behind the back, a left hand, or an off the wall shot.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      TotalFratBro

      The beer pong table is usually one of the center points of any party.
      The amount of attention that must be held when people are bouncing only takes away from the ability to socialize. After all, socializing is what house parties are all about.

      So in our house, if you bounce you are an asshole and you will be treated as such.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      I am drot nunk

      We bounce, but that’s about it. We don’t have those gay roll backs, island, jersey, high school shit. Bouncing is usually used to keep people from being distracted so we can play more games in a lesser amount of time.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      Jon M Fratsman

      If you really want to speed things along, airballs/any complete table whiffs are a pulled cup. Keeps things moving, especially if folks were really drunk to begin with.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Frat on sir

      Roger, technically that is a rule that is honored if it occurs.

      However, only bitch ass queers would ever think of bouncing.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Well at MY house we play the way we play cause y’all’s rules are dumb and ours are better cause we do them! We do it that way cause people like to play but they also like to do other stuff but they should still play too.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      JohnFratYatesSommers

      In my house we just pay the fuck attention, so bouncing isn’t necessary. Not to mention, 95% of the time it’s girls and high schoolers who bounce because they’re terrible and it’s an easy shot to make.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -3
      yourfavgeed

      ^ No, I quite got it. You’re doing a style of trolling where you sound like a stereotypical empty-headed “frat boy.”

      It’s just…not…funny.
      You…are…not…funny.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -5
      yourfavgeed

      ^ your name and your comment do not match. Instead of thinking therefore frat, you should focus on increasing your cognitive levels to that of a 6 year old.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  1. 1
    RedWhiteandBlurry

    Everything that enters the frat castle leaves in more pieces than it came in. $800 for a beer pong table that will be broken within a semester seems like a lot of wasted beer money.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      Jon M Fratsman

      ^^^ Maybe, MAYBE, if you keep that fucker securely locked 24/7, this could be true. Anything in a common area is toast though, be it furniture, TVs, what have you.

      After 12 years of destruction, the Greek Row maintenance guys finally figured out that if they didn’t start installing drunk retard strength-proof appliances things were going to keep getting obliterated as fast as they could put them in.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 1
    YouFilthyAnimal

    nba jams is a mockery of the sport, as is “calling island.” the purist doesnt need a gimmick. Dorn is right, this guy is trying to re-invent the wheel, to every drinker’s chagrin. This table will flame out faster than a match in pledgeship

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

Load More

1 2 3