Hipster Designs Beer Pong Table; Fails Miserably

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A hipster from DePaul University got caught up in his hipster ways. He developed a product that was too cool for mainstream clientele. Hey pal, how on God’s beautiful green earth are we supposed to bounce the pong ball in the cup with a goddamn half-pipe in the center of the table?

If Joseph Mollo, a 22-year-old recent DePaul University grad, has anything to say about it, that could be the new face of beer pong. Mollo, an entrepreneurship major at DePaul, designed a poplar-and-cast-iron beer pong table with a sleek curved surface and LED lights to highlight those red Solo cups.

Joey, contact the business program at DePaul and demand at least a partial refund for not just omitting one of the most important facets of this college pastime, but making a complete mockery of it. Bad business. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

“If I tell people I make an $800 beer pong table and I don’t have a picture, they walk away laughing,” Mollo said. But “once they see it, they change their minds.”

You’re showing it to the wrong people, Joey. I don’t know how much you invested in your Research and Development department, but all you had to do was drive to the local university and talk to about five people. Twenty bucks in gas – that’s all it would have taken to master your design.

After years spent in college enjoying beer pong, Mollo decided he wanted to elevate the game. The dip in the middle of the table allows a complicated, skeeball-like shot in which the player rolls the ball along the dip so that it pops up into the cup.

I’m setting the odds at 30-1 that the beer pong games Mollo participated in during his “years spent in college” never took place outside his geed-laden, two bedroom apartment.

Mollo said he has heard some criticism that beer pong promotes binge-drinking, but said the new breed of player might not even put beer in their cup. They’ll have a delicious microbrew on the side to sip and put water in the cups on the table.

“If you’re playing to get drunk, that’s what you can do,” he said, but “it’s not about chugging all 10 cups of beer. It’s about winning.”

And I’m done. Water instead of beer? Sipping microbrews? Joey, the guy in the below photo is your target demographic, and he is not buying your table.

Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 1
    YouFilthyAnimal

    nba jams is a mockery of the sport, as is “calling island.” the purist doesnt need a gimmick. Dorn is right, this guy is trying to re-invent the wheel, to every drinker’s chagrin. This table will flame out faster than a match in pledgeship

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

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