Hollywood Is Remaking Road House Because Nothing Is Sacred

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Nice Move

As a native Missourian, there are certain things one takes inherent pride in. Busch, being the jumping off point for our nation’s westward expansion, the fact that we literally have to see something to believe it exists, Mark Twain, and the film Road House all give Missourians a hot, tingly MOner (Missouri boner). Road House is of course the great American story of a bouncer bravely round house kicking against the forces of oppression to free the frightened people of a small Missouri town, one bar fight at a time. It’s the quintessential American story in that it involves the good guys winning, and kicking a whole lot of ass along the way. It’s like the opposite of a Greek tragedy, which is why our American democracy thrives and Greece’s ended like 2,300 years ago. ‘Merica.

Road House may have been created in Hollywood, but it’s Missouri’s film. Nay, it’s America’s film. MGM may technically “own” it, but the movie belongs to the people, a cherished classic for the ages. Rape Star Wars all you want. Take a steamy dump on the chest of Indiana Jones. Release a Red Dawn remake so terrible that I actually wanted the North Koreans to win so that there would exist some alternate universe in which American culture is extinguished and a film as bad as that Red Dawn remake could never be made again. But do not, DO NOT, touch Road House, you sick bastards.

Unfortunately, it’s too late, Road House is being remade, and just to ensure that it’s terrible, MGM hired the Fast and the Furious director Rob Cohen to helm the film.

Cohen is a veteran action director who is responsible for launching the “Fast and the Furious” franchise. His other genre credits include “Daylight,” “xXx” and “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.”

That’s a lot of really mediocre action movies. I swear to God if they cast Vin Diesel as Dalton, I’m just going to lose it. And in case you think Cohen might be a decent choice, here’s his most recent film effort:

Cohen most recently directed the Tyler Perry vehicle “Alex Cross.”

Are you TRYING to make this awful!?! DAMMIT. They’ve hired a guy who directed a Tyler Perry movie to remake a movie about a bar fighting bouncer taming a drunk and rowdy crowd with his martial arts and magnificent flowing mullet that was originally directed by a guy whose actual name was Rowdy (Rowdy Herrington).

I hope the new movie isn’t even set in Missouri. Leave us out of this. Set it in Florida. Besides, I don’t think Hollywood is capable of once again so accurately portraying Missouri’s population.

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I don’t have high hopes for this Road House remake. It sounds soft. In fact, the original Road House used to fuck movies like the Road House remake in prison. So, until this abomination is released, let us remember the good times…

[via The Wrap]

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