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This Video Of A Kid At Hot Topic Explaining That He’s An Immortal Dragon With Creepy Seriousness Is The Best Thing You’ll Watch Today

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Seventy-five percent of me thinks this video of some guy explaining to a Hot Topic cashier that he’s an immortal dragon who will redistribute power to humans in exchange for their souls with creepily calm insistence is the funniest thing I’ve watched in weeks and that I have to share it with my audience. Twenty percent of me thinks that this is hilarious but that I should keep it to myself for fear of this being a “Red Dragon” situation and that I’m going to end up finding myself in the Phillip Seymour Hoffman chair.

And then another five percent of me thinks that this guy might actually be an immortal dragon and that this is more of a “Blade Trinity” situation, where Dracula walks into a vampire themed store.

But whatever, screw it. I’ll risk dying in an inferno of star fire or, more likely, being drugged, kidnapped, and murdered by a naked man in an abandoned house, to share this with you. It’s too wonderful.

Let’s break down this transcription (via Reddit user u/azuyin).

Customer: They were able to resurrect my flesh, it’s healed. And it’s time for me to go home.

Cashier: Oh my god!

In all honesty the cashier might be the real MVP of this video. This would not be as funny without the faux-interested gay man trying his hardest to be polite and act like the refined insanity being presented to him with the dryness of a birdwatching instructor is totally normal.

“Oh you’re a dragon from heaven here to rule all of humanity, huh? That’s neat. I’m half-German, half-Dutch.”

This can’t be the first time something like this has happened to that cashier. He’s too good at handling this customer. I bet once a week some skinny kid skulks into the store and hisses, “They will beg to enter my sanctuary, but they will buuurrrn.”

Every Hot Topic should have a tazer under the register.

Customer: And I.. my.. e-they even told me my scales are turning gold as my father’s were. My father was a piece of creation itself. He was the protector of god himself.

Who, uh… who’s telling you about your scales, exactly?

Customer: [runs into kitchen] Mother! My scales, they glimmer! Do you see? Be they turning gold like my father’s before me?”

Mom: [on the phone, puts hand over receiver and looks over] What? Yes honey I think so. That’s very nice. [back into the phone] I really regret not telling Daniel that his father left us for a family in Canada. It has gotten… out of hand.

Cashier: Well that’s good then.

Customer: That’s the thing, people damn power. It’s not evil it’s how you choose to use it.

Cashier: Oh yeah most definitely. That’s pretty much like how everything is.

Customer: But the dictation of true power is lost to this world. I’m returning home but I’m… going to come back. But I’m going to make it that no human is permitted to use power without sanction.

Actually, Mr. Dragon, the Constitution of the United States of America is what sanctions me power. Ever read the Second Amendment? That’s all the power I need. This is what these anti-gun hippies don’t get. Any day, some Goddamn immortal dragon could swoop down and try to take away everybody’s freedom. And when that day comes you’re going to be glad decent, freedom loving Americans will be there, ready to pump its gold, heavenly scales full of old-fashioned, American lead.

Cashier: Good!

Customer: You must give your soul to me.

Cashier: Oh my god!

This would be the point I would start reaching for the hypothetical tazer all Hot Topic stores should be giving their cashiers.

Customer: I am the Sovereign of Power and I’m going to become what my father was before my birth: “Eternal Guardian Dragon of Time”.

Cashier: Oh wow!

I know that all of this sounds made up, but that title somehow sounds the most made up of all. I have to think God would be a little bit better than that at thinking up job titles. That’s just a mouthful. Maybe something is lost in translation from dragon to English. I don’t know.

Customer: My father gave up much of his power when I was born. Because she.. (pause) h-he-his mate was Hecate (?), mother of angels. I was the only true born.. My brethren. Even Lucifer down in the pit for his fucking retardation, he was my brother.

Aaaaannnnnnd the “the devil is my brother” part is where I would start pulling the tazer up from underneath the register.

Cashier: Oh my goodness!

Customer: I am not a fallen. I am a lost. I fell to Earth from my own folly- not following that bastard.

Cashier: (exasperated exhale) Wow.

Customer: Honestly look into my eyes. Do I seem mad to you?

Finger is firmly on the tazer’s trigger at this point.

Cashier: Not really.

Customer: Most humans denounce anything that is outside their realm (of…)

Cashier: (finishes Customer’s sentence) Understanding.

Customer: But that is my dictation. I do not demand your soul as payment. It is moreso protection that if you abuse your power.. then your soul is (was?) going to be bound. You keep your soul within your flesh but your soul will be bound never to touch power again. That is the dictation of the blood contract. I give you my blood, you give me… a piece of your soul. You do not lose your soul. I am not the father, I have no rights to your soul. But I do have rights to claim how you use my power. And that is the only reason I bind your soul like that.

Cashier: Oh yeah forreal.. like.. that makes sense.

And so ends another average shift at Hot Topic. Honestly it can’t be any worse than working at Hollister and chasing fifteen year olds giving and getting hand jobs out of the dressing rooms.

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