Women are beautiful creatures. Unfortunately for some, the moment they open their mouths, a boner can go from upright and locked to wilting and sad. A hard eight can go to a soft five in the time it takes to say the word “garage.” Conversely, a girl can quickly jump a few points if she has a cute voice. Here’s a power ranking of American accents from worst to best.
Note: Notice I said AMERICAN accents. Aussies get me fully torqued too, but they’re not natives of this country and therefore don’t make the cut.
Honorable Mention: Yooper Accent
Found only in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, this combination of Finnish and Dutch speech patterns will have you clawing your ears off. The reason Yoopers live so far from the rest of society? Nobody can stand listening to them speak.
7. Northeastern, “Bawstin Babble”
The sound that comes out of a New Englander’s mouth can only compare to two cats screwing while they simultaneously vomit. The only positive aspect of their speech comes in knowing how awful a conversation will be the second you ask where they’re from. If a person can make the name of their own hometown sound even worse than it is, you need to get the fuck away from her quick. Only adding to the drawbacks is the fact that actually screwing will result in enough screaming and moaning in an abortion of an accent to make you go limp in minutes.
6. Midwestern “Aaaaa and Da”
Despite a healthy love for the city of Chicago and its surrounding areas, the speech patterns of the people that inhabit it are unbearable. An inability to pronounce their “th” sounds means that you’ll rarely understand a word they’re saying. Sure, these women are absolutely beautiful (especially in the summertime), but having a dialect that just barely ranks above that New England drivel will ruin them in a hurry.
5. NY/NJ “Attitude Talk”
This honestly might be bearable if it wasn’t for the fact that every conversation centers around their place of origin. I know, you’re from the city and you like the Yankees. Can we please talk about what we want for dinner? Oh wait, let’s not, because that will turn into a conversation about how the water up there is different and that’s why the fucking pizza doesn’t taste as good. Know what, here’s a fucking bagel. Just go somewhere else and talk too loud.
4. California Uptalk
How can everything you say be a question? I noticed that you’re actually trying to make a point, but it’s really hard to focus when you finish your sentences in that manner? Oh we’re going to the beach? I think that bikini would look best? You’re taking it off aaaand conversation over. Damn these Cali girls are great. Let’s just avoid talking politics, please.
3. Deep South Indecipherability
Look, I’ve lived in the Southern United States most of my life. I’ve heard Tennessee hillbillies, Georgia drawls, and West Virginia “pass that meth pipe”s. Once you pass into the great unknown that is the Deep South however, you’ll find yourself smiling and nodding constantly. Honestly, all things considered, it’s almost nice to not be burdened with conversation and be able to just listen to a cutie go on about God knows what before hopping in bed with you. Chances are she can cook too, so just roll with it and get a blowie and some breakfast out of it.
2. Southwestern/Texas Twang
Texans have a very distinct type of accent, and in terms of the womenfolk, it’s damn sexy. What comes off as slightly gruff or crude from the dudes down there is replaced with a degree of spunk and sass on behalf of their women. Feisty Texas women are a tough nut to crack, but the reward is so sweet that it’s worth it. It’s easy to be put off by the almost musical way they speak, but you’ll be damn glad you stuck around and listened.
1. Southeastern Belles
Sweet Christmas, this is an easy answer for number one. Sure, I’m a little biased, but anyone that has spent time around a girl with a cute little drawl will agree in a heartbeat. These are the girls that have the world’s greatest analogies (mad as fire is both my most and least favorite), the sweetest things to say, and a dirty streak longer than the Mississippi. Take her home to mom and she’ll be so captivated that your only issue will be ducking commitment. All the “ahs” and “wayls” that come out of those secretly dirty mouths are second to none, just like the wonderful accent that produces them..
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