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How To A Get Her To Leave The Next Morning Without Pissing Her Off

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Congratulations on the sex. You gave it your all for a solid four-ish minutes before you got off and you’re feeling good. You woke up in familiar territory and let out a victory fart before realizing that there’s a skinny brunette (Brittany?) sharing your bed basically uninvited.

Last night you were one shot short of calling a hit on her cockblock of a friend and begging Brandi to come home with you, but you were pretty clear that a sleepover was out of the question mere seconds after climax. Now, Bella is snuggling up next to you and you’re too hungover to think of a reasonable excuse to not spend your morning with her. Somehow, “I’m allergic to all breakfast foods” didn’t work. Now, she and her entire pledge class want nothing to do with you. I wish I could help you out in this situation, but you already fucked up.

A successful one night stand starts the night before, not the morning.

1. Location is everything.

Best case scenario is during a party at your fraternity house. Not after, during. If the girl is slutty enough, she will have no problem getting it on while the party rages downstairs. Maybe she’ll even think it’s thrilling. After the deed is done, you both go back downstairs and you offer to get her a drink. Then you just dip. Never look back. It’s not your fault you got roped into something more important.

2. Know her location.

If you meet a girl at a bar, always ask where she lives before taking her back to your place. If she lives far enough to require Uber, you need to commit right then to pay for it. If you’re not willing to pay for it, you’re an asshole. But accepting this step now makes one less hurdle in the morning. The sweet spot is too far to walk her in the morning, but not so far of an uber drive that she has time to sit and stew about about how you kicked her out.

3. Commit to a commitment.

The only thing worse than a bad excuse is multiple bad excuses. Refrain from using anything Greek related as an excuse. If she’s Greek too, she’s already too involved in that web. You told her you have a emergency chapter meeting, but her sister is dating a kid in your fraternity and he was free to hang out all day. Make it specific to you, and complain about it the night before. You’re so annoyed that you have tutoring at 9 in the fucking morning, but hey, at least you have her to help wake you up.

4. Cuddle but don’t fall asleep cuddling.

She doesn’t want to feel like your fleshlight for the night, but sleeping with her wrapped in your arms is a death sentence. Cuddle up before the sex, have the sex, and throw her a shirt. Then follow these next few steps exactly:

– lay on your back
– let her cuddle on your chest
– show her some funny IG videos or something somewhat short like that
– roll over to plug in your phone (effectively getting her off of you)
– sit up to fluff your pillow (this is to get off even the clingiest of girls who are hovering, waiting for you to lay back down)
– fall asleep on your stomach

She can’t cuddle you when you’re on your stomach. That’s science. This is your way of politely informing her that she is not going to come before your comfort.

5. The next morning.

COMMIT TO YOUR COMMITMENT. Toss her a cold water bottle because you’re such a considerate guy. You would drive her yourself, but you’re already late to your tutoring session. But because you feel bad, guess who’s pulling through with that Uber? You, the hero. You, who selflessly made sure she was going to get home safely, even when your academic future is going to shit because you’re late to tutoring.

If she’s still mad, that’s on her. She’s clearly a psycho.

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blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie is a contributing writer for TSM despite the numerous requests of her termination. She excels at being an underachiever and is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com

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