Ever since I started writing for this educational website, I have seen the term “butt stuff.” A lot. At first, I laughed and fondly thought, “boys will be boys.” Then, I started getting comments on my TFM articles…about butt things you wanted to do to me. Still, I brushed it aside and gave you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, who was I, a woman with lady parts, to come over to the guy side and tell you how to live your life? I was just asking for butt-related comments.
But then, it happened: the breaking point. Some of you persistent fellows made your way over to TSM to leave butt-related comments on my heartfelt articles about sisterly love, naked pillow fights, and when it’s okay to make out with your sister (yes, that’s what we talk about there, duh). So, okay. I’ll wave the white flag. Since you seem totally serious about this butt stuff, I’ve decided to take the dick by the balls and give you want you want.
Here it is, guys: how to actually get butt stuff.
Don’t Let Her See It
Nothing is more terrifying to a girl than anal porn. Seriously. I’ll take Ebola over anal porn. The guys are just slamming these giant cocks in tight little assholes, and then, naturally, they come all over the eager girls’ faces (put your boners down). End scene. Yeah. That’s just going to make her pass out, and if she passes out, it’s non-consensual. And that’s bad, okay? Never, I repeat, NEVER let her see anal porn.
Barter With Her
This isn’t always foolproof, but 60 percent of the time, it works every time. Is there a boy-band concert she wants to see? How about a necklace that is way, way out of your price range? Does she want to “make things official”? Consider making a deal with her. You’ll give her what she wants if she gives you an all-access pass to her back door. Any level-headed woman would weigh the pros and cons and realize that it’s a deal too good to clamp up on.
Tell Her Your Ex Did It
We fucking hate the thought of your ex existing, so if we know she did butt stuff with you (liar), we’ll most likely get on our hands and knees right then and there.
Follow The Rules For Gremlins
When it comes to butt stuff, girls are a lot like gremlins. Don’t feed her too late, because she’ll be bloated and terrified of what might end up on your dick. Don’t expose her to bright light during, because God forbid there IS something on your dick after exiting her dirty lady cave. You really won’t want her to see it. Don’t let her get too lubricated or wet, either.
Don’t Lube It Up Too Much
The fact that I know about Tucker Max and why it shouldn’t be too lubed up is enough to give me PTSD. Just find the right lube balance, okay? For the love of God, find the right balance.
Tell Her It’s For America
What, does she hate America or something?
Stop Calling It “Butt Stuff”
At least to us. If you ask a girl if she’ll “do butt stuff,” she will run away from you, ass cheeks clenched. It’s not because she won’t necessarily do “butt stuff,” but because she doesn’t know what the fuck you want. Do you want to put your fist in her ass? Your finger? Is she putting something in your ass? Is there licking involved? Are you talking full-on anal? Be a man and say what you want.
If all else fails, ask her when she just drunkenly saw her ex-boyfriend. If Judy Bloom taught girls anything, it’s that nothing mends a broken heart quite like freaky anal sex with a stranger..