It’s late July, the days are long and hot, and your golf game has never been better. Unfortunately, your lady game–i.e., the one where you try to pick up ladies–is terrible.
“But Johnny,” you say, “I’m having the summer of my life! I’ve hooked up with countless women and there appear to be countless more on the horizon until I go back to college and polish off the old fish tank. Why, just last week I finally engaged in coitus with that girl Jessica from high school who always wanted me inside her, but was nicknamed ‘Statutory’ by my buddies.”
That’s where you’re wrong. You’re too busy living your life in the present with golfing, boating, drinking, and late-night womanizing to see that the well isn’t as deep as it looks. You see, up to this point in the summer, you have engaged in a tactic called “picking the low-hanging fruit.” That fruit, Jessica, was easy to pick; she probably only required one simple “Are u 18 yet?” or “You up?” or “Let’s bang” text and it was off to the races. However, easy girls like Jessica are in limited supply. Soon, you are going to be in the awkward dilemma where you will have to ask yourself if you want to not get laid or if you want to copulate with the same woman twice and risk toying with an 18-year-old’s affections.
Neither of those options are viable, because not getting laid sucks and all 18-year-olds are stage five clingers until they go through orientation week.
The question then becomes how to take home the girls who aren’t thirstier than a salt miner moonlighting as a ballpark pretzel salesman. This column will hopefully give you a step-by-step guide of how to bag that great white buffalo through the most surefire method that isn’t a felony: dating.
Step 1: Ask Out Your Lady
To get the ball rolling, you have to do three things: give her a time, a place, and tell her what to wear. Women may seem indecisive, but they are merely mirroring your apathy when you ask them if they want to do anything and they reply, “I don’t know, I’m up for whatever.” Weak men don’t make game plans, and weak men rarely get laid.
Here is an example of how the invite should go down.
You: “I have two tickets to see a baseball game on the 25th. I’ll pick you up at five. Wear a pair of high-waisted, white shorts and a cut-off top–I want other guys to be jealous.”
Immediately, you’ve set the tone by telling her you have something of value and you are sharing it with her. You’ve given her a date and a time, and you’ve also eliminated her need to choose an outfit while giving her a valid reason to show some skin.
Step 2: Show Up Unnecessarily Late
It’s 6:30 p.m., and you’re just pulling up to the house, right on time. Explain to her that you are running late because you were playing with orphans or visiting your sick grandmother and you lost track of time. It can be anything as long as your excuse would make an elderly person say, “bless your heart.” I guarantee you that she has been texting her friends for the past three hours, and one of them, the Karen of her friend group, said you are a worthless degenerate and forgot all about the date. You need to show up unnecessarily late because it will give her internal doubt time to get big enough to collapse under its own weight when presented with a (hopefully) believable excuse.
Step 3: Act Impressive
This step can vary depending on what type of girl your date is. Shallower girls are impressed by nice clothes, watches, and stories of fishing with your father and his business partners off the Florida Keys. Counterculture girls will dig non-rhyming poetry and pictures of your rescue puppy. It doesn’t really matter what you tell your date, as long as you aren’t subtle or humble about your accomplishments. Your objective is to make it clear that you are exactly the type of person who she would want to sleep with.
Step 4: Go Out For Drinks Afterwards
Many a poor decision was made because alcohol was involved, but I’m not talking about getting laid just yet. I’m talking about getting into a bar fight. Hear me out on this one–it all fits into the big picture.
At some point when you are at the bar, some other dude will check out your girl, because you told her to dress in a manner that would attract attention from other men. It’s your job to go kick that guy’s ass. How the fight goes down isn’t important as long as you accomplish three simple things:
1. Take a punch square in the mouth so that the fight isn’t a one-sided beat down.
2. Escalate the fight into an all-out bar brawl.
3. Steal somebody’s car keys.
If at all possible, try to steal the nicest keys you can find. A nice car will make Step 5 much easier.
Step 5: Take Your Date On A High Speed Chase Through A Rural Area
Nothing makes a night more unforgettable than doing something illegal. Luckily for you, you’ve already racked up three to six charges that you could be arrested for. Now is the time you and your date will probably want to start getting primal on account of all the adrenaline flowing through your bodies, but now isn’t the time because the cops are hot on your tail. Take the pigs on a whirl through some cornfields “Dukes of Hazzard”-style, and make sure you let out a couple of excited war-whoops, or, if you’re in the South, roll tides. The objective is to let your date know you are still in control of the situation. Control is sexy.
Step 6: Evade The Cops, Get Laid
Pull the old park-under-a-bridge-trick made famous by Jake and Elwood Blues and then drive nonchalantly to the nearest hotel. I guarantee you that both of you will be coming down from a massive adrenaline high and you will find yourselves hornier than test-rabbits at the Viagra research labs. The magic moment will happen just as you are inserting the key into the door of your room. You will pause and look into her eyes, and she will stare longingly back into yours. The moment will be too much for either of you to handle and she will jump up so that she can straddle you and aggressively make out with your face. You will have the best sex of your life.