Today is Columbus Day, the holiday that marks the 521st anniversary of Christopher Columbus’ discovery of America (which was Saturday). It’s possibly the most important event to ever happen, ever, at least until we colonize an exoplanet full of three-breasted alien women and deem it Super America. Man, that’ll be the day. Three tits on the women, everyone can own a cannon, cars run on living plants and animals, steaks are extra rare and the bleu cheese caramelized on top is spelled “blue,” because English is the only language spoken. Can it be the future already? Sure, Christopher Columbus may have never actually set foot on the contiguous United States, but as I like to tell my dentist when I see his waiting room magazine selection, “Details are for douchebags.”
As a proud, red-blooded American, every reader of this site should be gearing up to celebrate this momentous achievement in exploration. Has anyone ever found anything better than America? No, they have not. The world before America was a real dumpster fire. Columbus finding these two continents is the equivalent of finding a hundred dollar bill in a pair of five-dollar sweatpants…that you crapped in.
So to honor Columbus’ bold decision to ignore all contemporary geographic knowledge, as well as give a hearty middle finger to the face of death itself, and ultimately be rewarded with America, God’s gift to him and the rest of humanity, here are some tips on how to properly celebrate Columbus Day.
1. Get Blackout Drunk
It’s a celebration, why wouldn’t you? Also this will make everything else way easier to accomplish.
2. Spout Off Wild Theories And Insist You’re Right Until Someone Gives You Money
Sound as absolutely fucking crazy as you want to. Do you understand how insane it sounded when Columbus said he could sail west to reach India?
“Yeah, sure thing, Chris. Have fun sailing right off that turtle’s back that holds up our dinner plate of a planet and straight into the devil’s butthole,” said everyone in Europe.
To honor Columbus’ outrageous and desperate theory, start spouting off your own nonsense to anyone you can make listen. For example, grab a guy on the street and point to the top floor of a random building. Claim that there’s a ghost up there, guarding a room full of delicious sandwiches. Ignore your stranger’s laughter and/or bewilderment and just keep insisting what you say is true. Tell him that if he gives you $20 you’ll go up there and get him a sandwich. Do not stop bothering him until he gives you $20. Persist until he basically hands you that $20 just so you’ll leave him alone. Later, go find that guy, throw a burrito at him, and say, “Told you, bitch.”
3. Call Everyone By The Wrong Name
Columbus landed on Hispaniola (the present day island that’s home to earthquake victims and future MLB players) and immediately assumed he was in India, even though all evidence pointed to the contrary. With a shrug and a “Fuck it,” Columbus started calling all the natives Indians, and he never stopped. Why? Because being wrong is for people who didn’t find America, dammit. It might have been an accidental power move, but it was a power move nonetheless.
In the spirit of Columbus, do not call anyone by their correct names for the rest of the day. Instead, call them what you think they look like. See a nerdy kid with glasses? Call him Milton. See a guy in a skin tight Affliction tee? He’s a Dom. If you come across a scantily clad girl, her name is Candy. You don’t even have to use actual names. If somebody looks like a bird, just call them “Bird.” If someone looks annoying, but otherwise un-distinguishing, like they’re a total wang, call them “Wang.”
The important thing here is that you’re judging these books by their covers and making as many assumptions as possible, as well as putting in absolutely no effort to figure out whether or not you’re right.
4. Start Taking Everyone’s Shit and Claiming It For You and Your Friends
On Columbus Day, everything is up for grabs. Just like the legendary explorer, you can claim whatever you want for yourself and your friends. Tables, drinks, food, girlfriends, and definitely anything that’s gold or spice related are yours for the taking. In fact, I highly recommend going to a grocery store and stealing as many spices as you can. Nothing displays dominance quite like returning home with an armful of red peppers and someone else’s woman.
If someone won’t let you take what is rightfully yours, because you said it’s yours, you have two options: 1) Start sneezing on them until they leave, or 2) Pull out your gun.
That’s right, just like Columbus, you have a gun, and they don’t. Take advantage, and remember, it’s not armed robbery on Columbus Day.*
*The Total Frat Move legal team would like to advise its readers that armed robbery charges do not take a hiatus on Columbus Day, nor do they advise brandishing a firearm for petty theft, or petty theft in general, or the carrying of a firearm without proper legal authorization. – Total Frat Move Legal Team**
**Ed. Note: They just have to say that stuff. Have a fun Columbus Day. – Bacon***
***Seriously, for the love of God, do not follow any of this column’s advice – Total Frat Move Legal Team
Hit the town tonight and make it your bitch, like Columbus made the world his bitch. Who knows what you may discover? What’s really important, however, is that Columbus Day is an excuse to drink, love America, and act like a total dick. Have fun.