How To Choose The Right Frat Hound

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Nice Move

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The position of frat hound is one of great tradition and importance. His job requirements are equally (if not more) important to the chapter as an officer–he’s definitely more important than the social chair, that’s for damn sure. He’s the chapter mascot. He represents all of the qualities that you as a group want to portray outwardly. His temperament will fit with yours. If you’re the rowdy, good time group, he’ll be the type of dog who runs around and wants to hump strangers. If you’re the work hard, play hard type, then he’ll be the dog who stays when he’s told to and dominates the frisbee when it’s thrown. Choosing a frat hound is an important responsibility, and due to a dog’s lifespan, it doesn’t happen all that often. It’s a lot like nominating a new Supreme Court justice, but your frat hound is arguably more important to the world as you know it.

Lab
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This is by far the most popular breed for fraternities. How many pictures of composites have we seen with the lab front and center, usually wearing a bow tie? There’s a reason for this. Labs are fucking awesome. They’re fun, obedient, and extremely social around people they don’t know. They can be a little goofy sometimes, too, which is a good thing, because you don’t want a house dog that’s all business. If you’re not taking yourselves seriously, why should he? However, the Lab’s popularity is also its biggest downside. How are you distinguishing yourself if you’re just another house on the row with a handsome Labrador lounging around? Sure, yours is the best one, but every other house thinks its frat hound is the best, too. If you’re cool with fitting into the frat hound stereotype, by all means, go for it. But if you’d like to take a different approach, stay with me.

Great Dane

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Ah, the regal choice. Great Danes are traditionally the dogs of the aristocratic class, which fits in nicely with the image you’re trying to cultivate. Danes are badass, too. They are massive, athletic animals, and they’re fast as fuck. However, they’re much more demanding to take care of. They require more space and more food than any other dog in this column. Plus, for such athletic animals, they’re shockingly clumsy at normal speed. They will literally knock over everything in your house. Plus they’re just not as cuddly as other breeds, which, if we’re being really honest, is a huge selling point–half the job of the frat hound is to bring the girls to the yard.

Golden Retriever

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Speaking of cuddly, if you’re going for pure aesthetics, the Golden is the way to go. I know, I know, you Lab purists out there are probably tearing your hair out at that statement, but trust me. When it comes down to which dogs girls want to snuggle up with the most, the Goldens have the edge. They also offer you a lot of “Air Bud”-related tie-ins. Whether it’s Halloween or having him on the sidelines for intramural games, the “Air Bud” possibilities are endless. They fucking love water, so going on float trips just got more awesome. Goldens also have the best temperament of the breeds we’re discussing. They’re just sweet, cuddly dudes, which is both good and bad for your purposes. On one hand, they’re super cool with any guest who comes over to the castle. On the other, they won’t get riled up when the douches from a rival frat break in to steal your composite. Hell, they’ll probably help them take it off the wall.

Pomeranian

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Hahahahahahahahahaha.

German Shepherd

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If I’m being honest, this is my number one draft pick. There’s a reason German Shepherds are the choice for military and police dogs around the world. They’re extraordinarily intelligent, they handle themselves well under pressure, and they’re extremely resilient. Even though they have a reputation as guard dogs, they’re actually a really friendly breed, provided you train them correctly. That’s the key here. Don’t get a German Shepherd if you don’t want to put the effort into train one, because he can get rowdy. You also have to watch him. Even though German Shepherds can be incredibly social dogs, they don’t immediately acclimate to strangers, and they’re very protective of their perceived family unit. This is great for house protection duties, but not exactly great for when your buddy comes in town to visit, and your dog greets him by tackling him in the foyer. That’s how people go to the hospital. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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