How To Convince A Lady To Let You Pound On Spring Break (Written By A Lady)

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How To Get Laid On Spring Break, No Matter Where You Go, From A Girl

It’s officially the best time of year. Spring break is upon us, and we couldn’t be happier. Thousands and thousands of college students will take a week off from their rigorous schedules of frat parties, chapter meetings, and occasional class attendance and migrate to various locations to engage in debauchery they will likely only remember in hazy flashbacks and through random camera roll images.

Aside from the obvious goal of being obliterated for seven straight days, there is, of course, a secondary goal of hooking up as often as possible, with a variety of different ladies. However, the way you need to approach getting laid on spring break varies by where you are. Here’s some advice on how to convince a lady to participate in a little spring break game of hide the salami, depending on where you are.

“Typical” Locations

No matter where you wind up — South Padre, Panama City Beach, South Beach, Cancun — it means beaches, bikinis, and booze. If you can’t get yourself laid under these circumstances, there’s not much I can do for you, my friend. But, if all else fails, you can always tell unsuspecting ladies that you write for TFM. I hear that works for dudes, whether it’s true or not.

Alternative Spring Break

Anyone who uses his spring break to help less fortunate people should be commended. Just because you decided to skip the depravity and do good instead, it doesn’t mean you still don’t want to engage in some sexual escapades during your time away, right? Luckily for you, most of the girls on this type of trip likely feel the same way. Be on the lookout for the lady humanitarian who seems to have a devilish twinkle in her eye and cozy up to her. There’s nothing more fulfilling than days spent building houses and nights spent laying pipe.

Stuck Student Athlete

One of the few downsides of being a student-athlete who plays in the spring is that it’s entirely possible you may get stuck on campus or on the road in some random location. If it’s the former, your team won’t likely be the only one on campus. Turn your place into a faux spring break with a kiddie pool and some plastic leis and invite the girls’ lacrosse team over to do it up. It’s likely that some of those ladies are just as annoyed at missing out on Cancun as you are and will be looking to blow off some steam with a fine gentleman such as yourself. If your team is on the road, the options are a bit more limited. Getting the hot hotel bartender to go back to the room you are sharing with three other dudes will be a challenge. On the flip side, there are always sports groupies, right?

Family Vacation

Your family may take the opportunity of you being off from school for a week to plan some kind of family vacation. It could be a ski trip or maybe a cruise, but no matter how awesome your family is, this break is probably going to be slightly more boring than spending the week getting wasted with your friends in a tropical locale. However, wherever you wind up with Mom, Dad, your siblings, and Great-Aunt Sally, it’s highly possible that you will be in the company of other spring breakers. Find them and explain your plight — they’ll likely invite you into their midst. Join their circle and during the off-times from your family, rage with them like you should be doing. In the process, you’ll probably find a lady who thinks it’s cute that you’re on vacay with your family while at the same time shotgunning a beer.

Home

Whether it was because you couldn’t afford a trip or your parents demanded you spend the week watching TV with Dad and driving Grandma to get her hair done, being home for spring break when everyone else is having fun SUCKS. If you’re one of these poor bastards stuck at home, the only thing you have going for you is that there are likely some girls in your hometown who are back there under the same circumstances. So, it’s time to do a little bit of internet stalking. Figure out who is home in Podunk, USA, instead of on a beach somewhere and do some status commenting: “Hey, I’m stuck at home for spring break, too. Sucks, huh?” If it’s received positively, follow up with a message about getting together. Odds are, she’ll be so desperate to escape her mother’s hounding about cleaning out her childhood closet that she’ll take any opportunity to get the hell out of the house. Once the outing is set, you’ll be good to go. She’ll be looking for a story to share that makes it seem like her time at home was just as exciting as her friends’ time away — and nothing is better for that than a good sex story. Just be sure you take the Superman sheets off your childhood bed if you’re planning on taking her back to “your place.”

There really did used to be 2NOTBrokeGirls, but since one of them spent all of her money on shoes and vodka, there's now just one (financially stable) J, who is too lazy to change her user name. J spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to go to graduate school, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @2NOTBrokeGirls on Twitter or 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com.

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