How To Get Her To Say Yes To A Threesome (From A Woman’s Perspective)

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Nice Move

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Guys, I think it’s time you all got some threesomes. I’m not saying you deserve it, and I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but as a woman, I am sick of the taboo that has been placed on the ol’ ménage à trois. I’m here to help make all of your “two girls one dick” dreams come true, and I’d like to aid you in convincing your girlfriend (or lady friend/slam piece/friend with benefits/whatever else you call your casual sex partner) to give you a threesome. How will I do that? Well, I’ll start by giving you instructions and tips, because God knows you need them. After we’ve covered the basics, I’ll provide reasons why she should agree to the act, which you can either show her, casually leave up on your computer when you walk out of the room (she’ll look at the screen, promise–we’re nosy bitches) or keep for yourself and know that someone, somewhere is rooting for you.

Here’s how to get her to agree (remember: consent is cool).

  1. It needs to be “her idea.”
  2. Start by suggesting you two “spice up” your sex life.
  3. Cue: watch porn together.
  4. Enter: the threesome porn. Pick something TASTEFUL. Two women, nice music, and no money shots (obviously).
  5. Ask if she liked it. If she says yes, great–move forward. If not, ask why. This involves actual conversing and active listening. It sucks, but it will be worth it.
  6. If she liked it, ask her if that is something she would be interested in.
  7. Tell her you love her and that it would be an “adventure” the two of you could share.
  8. Bitches love adventures.
  9. Let her be in charge.
  10. Tell her she can pick the other woman.
  11. And you never have to speak to the random girl ever again and you can use fake names and basically just be there as a penis.
  12. Set the rules of what is/isn’t okay.
  13. Ask her if she has any concerns and say whatever you need to get her to agree. (You guys can stop at any time if she feels uncomfortable. Say you’ll take her to a John Mayer concert or something like that.)
  14. Enjoy being a fucking god among mortals once she says yes. You’re welcome.

And now, my soon-to-be-laid-by-two-women-at-one-time friends, here are the reasons any sane woman would say yes. Basically, it’s foolproof…unless she’s a total bitch. Then, like, it sucks to be you.

  1. You’ll actually love her forever.
  2. Your friends will think you’re the luckiest man alive.
  3. Your friends will love her for making you so happy.
  4. Most girls have made out with another female at least once when they were drunk, so NBD.
  5. If she won’t do it, some other girl will.
  6. How does she know she won’t like it?
  7. Why did women fight so hard to be equals and be allowed to enjoy sexual freedom when she won’t even explore it?
  8. It’s un-American if she won’t.
  9. She has to do half as much work while you’re working overtime. Women love that.
  10. She’ll tell her friends, who will feel like they need to have a threesome. This will create more threesomes and cause a beautiful threesome movement.
  11. You’ll remember her for the rest of your life. Seriously.
  12. And finally, if all else fails, tell her she can’t get any of your dick until she gives it. That always works like a charm.

Aspiring to be the next Oprah/Tina Fey, @yeah_okay_what spent her college days doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip and watching other people's Netflix. She spends most of her time at TSM, but comes over here every now and again to get a break from the estrogen. You can read her articles at: http://totalsororitymove.com/user/yeahokaywhat/ Hate mail and "Sunny" clips can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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