How To Get Your Girlfriend To Lose Weight, From A Female Perspective

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It happened: You decided to settle down with a girl. In college. You are an idiot, but you knew that even back when you were blowing off your friends’ warnings about giving up your prime sex years for one girl. What started as two sexpots smacking guts has started to take a turn for the worse. Things are starting to look… different. You have a sneaking suspicion it’s from all the nights staying in watching Netflix and eating instead of dancing on elevated surfaces, but whether the cause, there’s no denying your girlfriend has packed on a few. You want to tell her to get her shit together, but you also don’t want your body to be found across seven different states. Luckily, I’m here to tell you how to get that done.

First Thing’s First: Take a good, long look in the mirror.

If you have also let yourself go, or looked disgusting from day one, then congratulations! This effort just got shifted from her to both of you. Remember that the better she looks, the more options she has. And it’s pretty hard to compete when your stomach touches her before your dick does. Now you can shift the blame to yourself without coming off as a complete asshole. Tell her that you need a workout partner to hold you accountable or some shit. We eat that romantic stuff up because we think you’re the one who needs help.

Option One: Ask Her To Change You

She has been waiting her whole damn life for a boyfriend success story, and this is your chance to take advantage of that. Tell her you’re self-conscious of your body, and that you would really like her help in keeping you motivated so you can look like your best self for her. Tell her she’s too hot for you, and that you want to be the hottest couple together. Not only will you get her in the gym, but that compliment will score you at least an HJ in the stands during a football game.

Option Two: Positive Reinforcement

I’m not saying she has the brain capacity of a dog, but humans are still animals and girls still like compliments. While she’ll probably get suspicious if you try to train her to salivate at the sound of a bell, she probably won’t put two and two together if you fawn over how sexy she is every time she gets back from the gym. I gave my ex shower head every time he worked out and he started going to the gym five times a week.

Option Three: Give Her Inside Knowledge

Back in summer, she pranced around in a bikini like it was no one’s business. But now that the seasons changed and she’s bundled up in lumpy sweaters, and she doesn’t see a reason to keep up her abs. What better way to combat that than a little Trojan horse scenario? Tell her that your fraternity is throwing a party next month that she’ll want to show off some skin. Since she’s already been complaining she lost her summer body, this will help turn the light on in her head that she needs to hit the gym. What a good boyfriend you are for giving her a heads up a month in advance to “find the right outfit.”

Option Four: Make It Insta-Worthy

Girls will swear up and down they “don’t do” nature, and it’s true — some don’t. You know what we do, however? Make everything Instagram-worthy. Would we climb a mountain or bike ride through a trail without our phones? Nope. But I promise you your girl will do anything to get a good picture. She’ll climb that mountain in a minute as long as you play photographer for 45 minutes as she poses in Lululemon to get a candid ass shot. Better yet, let her take a cute picture with you. Kiss her on top of the mountain, snap it, and let her caption it as “the couple who climbs together, stays together.” If she has been dropping hints that she wants more representation on your social media, then this is your in. Take pictures doing sporty things, force her to participate, and rake in the benefits.

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Blondie is a contributing writer for TSM despite the numerous requests of her termination. She excels at being an underachiever and is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com

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