How To Have A Politically Correct Cinco De Mayo

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Every holiday has its own special blend of themed drinking. Whiskey and a few beers on the 4th of July? Why not. Some spiked eggnog to celebrate Christmas? Sure thing. An Irish car bomb on St. Patrick’s Day? I don’t see a problem here. So, let’s cheers to margaritas and tequila shots on Cinco de Mayo, right? WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Few holidays that are celebrated in the U.S. have such deep, cultural roots as Cinco de Mayo does, so here’s a guide to make sure you’re being sensitive to your friendly neighborhood Mexicans, err Hispanics. Latinos?

First, never call it Cinco de Mayo if you’re not of the Latino decent. While you might be tempted to showcase your high school Spanish skills, remember that referring to it as Cinco de Mayo makes you racist. That’s THEIR culture, not yours. You may refer to the holiday as May the 5th or Thursday.

Second, understand the historical significance of the holiday. Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1862. The holiday is often confused with Mexico’s Independence Day, but that’s later in the year and much much much more significant to the Mexican people. Yes, Cinco de Mayo in Mexico is like the American version of President’s Day where people say, “Oh shit. Looks like there’s no school or work Monday? Yeah, Lincoln’s birthday or something like that. Hell yeah!” The worst thing you could do is tell a Mexican congrats on the independence during this day.

Next, don’t, under any circumstances, think about wearing a sombrero. I don’t care if it’s your birthday at a Mexican restaurant and Jesus (the biblical one, not the one that you’d expect to be working at a Mexican restaurant) comes over to sing you happy birthday and place a sombrero on your head. You kick that mouth-breathing hillbilly in face and slap that sombrero out of his hand. Then, calmly and politely check your privilege at the door while thanking the staff for a lovely meal.

As for drinks of choice, the consumption of tequila shots and margaritas is cultural appropriation. How would you like it if I, a Hispanic, went to an American sports bar and ordered a Bud Light?! Yeah, that’s what I thought. Instead of spending money on alcohol, you guys should donate to the “Save a Mexican” foundation, a non-profit organization that brings free chips and salsa the table of every patron of at a Mexican restaurant. You can be politically correct and knock out philanthropy with one stone.

The next one can be tricky, but that doesn’t make it any less important. Do not listen to musical performances by Enrique Iglesias, Ricky Martin, Sean Paul, or any other sort of Latin American performer unless you’re at least 70 percent Mexican. You are, however, allowed to listen to Pitbull regardless of ethnicity. He’s been disowned by the Mexican delegation. Might I suggest Drake’s new “Views” if you’re looking for tunes this Thursday.

Finally, make sure you do not use the words “build,” “that,” or “wall” while in public — especially in the same sentence. These are potential trigger words, regardless of context. They can inflict severe and irreversible emotional damage when used separately or as a whole phrase. In fact, most references made to Donald Trump or his policies are generally unacceptable. For example, the phrase “Donald Trump has some okay ideas” is not okay. However, “Donald Trump should burn in hell. I can’t wait until lord and savior (insert Democratic candidate here) beats him up” is perfectly acceptable.

See? Celebrating cultural holidays and not being offensive about it is just that easy. Now that you know all the guidelines, go on out and make this year’s May 5th one to remember. Happy holidays.

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