How To Know If You’re The Drunkest Guy At The Party

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How To Know If You're The Drunkest Dude At The Party

So you just had a long, stressful week and you wanna let loose. You go to a party where it’s too loud to listen to your own stressed out thoughts and too crowded to notice who farted. You decide to chug some drinks and kick back a few shots. Maybe you also wanna smoke a joint or try out that crystal meth you made with Bryan Cranston yesterday. Fuck it, treat yourself. Have a good time. But this scenario leads us down a road where we must beg a simple yet essential question.

Where is the line?

When it comes to incredible intoxicated idiocy and fuckedupness, how fucked up is TOO fucked up? Should you draw the line when your esophagus starts showing trailers of vomit film? Or you should you keep going until you wake up in a hotel room in Vegas with a tiger and Zach Galifianakis? Obviously it’s all objective, but there is a certain level of embarrassing yourself that goes far past lighthearted humorous humiliation and ventures into a plain ol’ depressing shitshow.

So let’s break it down. Let’s draw out a vague blueprint, some simple bullet points to tattoo onto your memory. I’ve fleshed out a simple yet comprehensive guide, some rules of broken thumb. Here’s how to know if you’re the most annihilated creature at a social setting.

EVERYONE IS STARING AT YOU

Unless you’re a lovely lady at a beach or Pee Wee Herman in a XXX theater, being stared at is a negative thing. I get it, you’re a bit cocky. You’re in a fraternity, you probably think people are staring at you because they’re admiring your awesomeness. You’re probably like “I hit the gym today and everyone sees how buff I look.” No, you dumbass, your big beer belly is poking out and your arms are too flabby and flappy for you to be wearing that sleeveless shirt. They’re staring at you ’cause you’re HAMMERED. You’re putting on a one man show and they’re watching in horror. You just peed your pants while talking to a bag of Cheetos you think is a hot girl and you threw up on a dog while screaming a Celine Dion song. This is a bad sign. Get your shit together son.

GIRLS WON’T TALK TO YOU

In your delusional booze-filled brain you probably think you’re gonna score tonight, you naive douchebasket. But every time you saunter up to a female and attempt to slur out some smooth pickup line, she laughs in your twisted face. She cackles like a high hyena and points at you, all her pals laugh too. A gaggle of gals giggling, because of your hilarious stupidity. You can barely walk, your cock isn’t even gonna work tonight, Chad. Go chug some h2o before you puke blood all over the wall and paint the room red. Go home, for the night is no longer young, but rather very, very elderly.

YOU JUST GOT IN A FIST FIGHT WITH KATT WILLIAMS

What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you fuckin’ around with Katt Williams like that? He didn’t do shit to you, he’s tryin to enjoy his night. Just ’cause he’s a little guy doesn’t mean he can’t open up dozens of cans of whoop-ass. You never watch CNN? Now everyone is videotaping the fight and yelling “WORLDSTAR!!!!!” while he strangles you and beats you to death with a massive golden pimp cup. You brought this on yourself, Drunky McDrunkerson. Katt Williams just pummeled you with punches in public, don’t do this to yourself.

YOU STOLE A KANGAROO FROM THE BROOKLYN ZOO

Look, we’ve all been there. Who among us hasn’t flirted with the idea of stealing a kangaroo from the Brooklyn Zoo? But we never actually DO it, because it’s an irresponsible decision. If you decide to actually do it, you had way too many drinks and need to lay down. You know you’re the drunkest one at the party if you leave, run to the airport, take a plane to New York, break into the Brooklyn Zoo, and steal a kangaroo. You’re an alcoholic. You need help, Chad.

YOU MARRY THAT KANGAROO YOU JUST STOLE

Look, I am all for marriage equality. I believe in gay marriage, straight marriage, any marriage. But marrying a kangaroo you JUST met? That’s fucking stupid. You barely even know that thing, you have no idea if you’re actually romantically compatible. So you’re DEFINITELY too drunk if you find a minister and have an impromptu wedding with a kangaroo you just met in the middle of the party. You don’t even have a ring or anything. Date it for at least 5 years, meet its family, find out its zodiac sign, see Jennifer Anniston movies with it — just don’t marry it immediately. Plus, your babies will be fucking disgusting.

So there’s your guide. Be safe, kids.

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