How To Not Be Murdered By Clearly Insane Slams, A Guide

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By now I’m sure you’ve heard about the murder trial of psycho killer Jodi Arias. If you haven’t, it’s the story of an unwanted slampiece who stabbed her ex-boyfriend (who broke up with her five years previous) 29 times, but not before she decided to shoot him in the head with the gun she stole from her parents’ house two weeks prior. Even though there is overwhelming evidence that she is a psycho stalker, she at first claimed she didn’t kill him, and then changed her story to self-defense. Don’t want to end up like her poor bastard ex? Then follow these four tips on surviving over-attached slampieces who may or may not otherwise end up stabbing you several dozen times in your sleep.

Know How To Spot One

She’s probably the girl at the sorority mixer who either talks exclusively to her one fellow crazy girlfriend, or has no female companions to talk to, because they know better. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. If you decide to approach her, are able to lay some game relatively easily, and she follows you around for the rest of the night, then beware giving her your phone number. The moment those digits enter her phone, YOUR phone will start to get lit up like a group of suspicious looking mud huts in a drone’s crosshairs. Use a pledge’s phone number instead.

Always Go To Her Place

Make reasonable excuses as to why she can never shack at your house/apartment/dorm/trailer (for our Alabama readers). Not only does her room smell nice, while yours probably smells like old Natty and the sex you’ve been having with other slams, but you can also leave whenever, unless she’s bound you to her bed and carved her monogram onto your shaft, which is a distinct possibility. Still, it’s much better to be able to end your rendezvous at your own leisure rather than having to try to kick her out of your place. She must NEVER find out where you live, because if she comes over one day and she sees you flirting with, talking to, or making eye contact with another girl, a brutal murder is in your future, at the very least a castration. Don’t you see, interactions with these girls will end in genital mutilation pretty much regardless of whether her feelings are positive or negative. Crazy is as crazy does. Excuses like your roommate has his lady friend over (don’t say girlfriend because she’ll want you to call her that), or the always easy, “a pipe burst…water damage…blah blah blah…et cetera.” You can say that verbatim, by the way. She’s so into you she’ll believe it.

Use But Don’t Abuse

If you truly believe this slam you’ve been leading along has the potential for a brutal mid-shower revenge killing, but still insist on banging her out somewhat regularly, try your best not to piss her off. You can give excuses for avoiding her when you don’t feel like dealing with her terrifying mental instability, but saying things like “I’m just so stressed out from school,” or my personal favorite, “I’ve found God and I’m going on my Mormon Mission trip for two years starting tomorrow,” are bullshit she’ll see right through, and thus initiate her process of plotting and executing your untimely death. Still, her crazy is everywhere, including the bedroom, which means your cock is having the time of its life. The sex is exciting, it’s a thrill. It’s like riding a roller coaster, specifically the Final Destination roller coaster.

Know When To Call It Off

When she starts talking about meeting your parents, or you meeting her parents, or your parents meeting, or any sort of action that would imply you two are doing something more than just fucking, it’s time to bail. Also watch for smaller signs, like an increasing frequency in eye crazed eye twitches or vague Facebook statuses about emotions and bad luck. Be warned! THE WRITING WAS ON THE (Facebook) WALL! Don’t be a hero…to your dick. Things have gone too far, proceeding any further would be to take an extreme risk. Chances are by this point you’re likely to end up in a bathtub with the Joker smile carved into your face. “NOW YOU’LL BE HAPPY WITH ME FOREVER!” She’ll cackle as she Instagrams a selfie of herself and your newly mangled face. At this point the jig is up. You should probably tell her the truth and hope for the best. And hey, if you go on a cold streak shoot her a text about how all of your emotions are confused and then have some extremely psychotic, scrotum draining, make-up sex.

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