How To Properly Sext A Lady, From A Lady

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How To Properly Sext a Lady, From A Lady

I’m going to go ahead and own that I really enjoy sexting. There’s something kind of delicious about sending dirty text messages back and forth, whether it be with a dude I’ve slept with before or some random who slid into my DMs. It can be fun to play with camera angles and filters trying to get just the right shot of my bra that shows enough but not too much boob. On my end, sometimes the sexting is just for giggles or to pass the time on a boring day; other times, it’s for the purpose of getting off when there aren’t any in-person options available. Whatever the purpose, one would think that dudes these days would have sexting down to an art form, given its prevalence, but as I’ve widened up my own sexting circle, I’ve learned that while this is true for some guys, there are others who could use a few pointers for their sexting game. Since good sexting is good for all of us, I’m happy to help out.

Practice “Sextual” Escalation

Much like it’s rapey to uninvitedly hump some girl’s leg at a bar, it’s not okay to just jump right into sexting. Unless you’ve sexted with this girl before, you need to work up to the really raunchy stuff. Instead, start with a flirting tone that sets the mood. After you’ve chatted for a while, start to slip in some innuendos that will naturally flow into sexting. Yeah, it’s super cheesy to ask her if she wants to take advantage of you this weekend when you’re wasted, but cheesy gets you more points than pervy, trust me. Plus, points score you nudes and dirty talk.

Don’t Lead With A Dick Pic

The other day, I was sitting in a meeting when one of my sexting buddies decided to send a text with an unsolicited schlong. My phone was on the conference room table between my boss and me, and my message previews were turned on. Now I can no longer look my boss in the eye, and that dude will never again get a picture of my (quite amazing) tits. Moral of the story: You never know where she is, who she’s with, or what she’s doing. For the love of God, never start a sexting conversation with a dick pic unless you’re cool with the chick’s grandmother seeing it at the dinner table at her eighty-third birthday party.

Provide A Frame Of Reference

Speaking of dick pics, the girl world is pretty divided on the issue. A large number of girls don’t like them at all. However, I am a fan. I like the whole idea of seeing how hard thinking about me made you and blah, blah, blah. If you’ve determined your sexting partner is Team Dick Pic, go ahead and send them. Do both of us a favor and provide a frame of reference, though, particularly if I’ve never seen your equipment in person before. I do not mean that you should snap a picture of your pocket rocket while holding a ruler up to prove your length. That’s amateur hour. Instead, casually make sure there is something in the background that I can use to gauge your schlong against, like the TV remote or a magazine. Get the camera angle right and your strong-medium could look like it needs a magnum.

Watch Your Language

Once you’ve established that she’s into it and you’ve warmed her up, it’s time to get down to business. What you say is just as important as how you say it, and there are certain words that girls respond better to when sexting. Terms like “penis” and “vagina” are way too technical, “spunk” and “jizz” are too juvenile, and “twat” and “cunt” are just too far. Just don’t think too hard and stick to the basics: naughty, nibble, hard, lick, dick, cum, cock, wet, fuck, pussy.

Good: “All I want to do is slide my hard cock into your wet pussy.”

Bad: “I want to shoot my load into your twat.”

The former gets me wet; the latter gets your number blocked. Bonus tip: As much as I want to see photographic evidence of how hard I made you, a simple “I’m so hard thinking about you” goes a long way. It’s going to make me hot to know that the simple thought of me turns you on.

Don’t Be Selfish

One of the least desirable attributes in a sexting partner (or a sex partner, for that matter) is a dude who’s in it just for himself. At the end of the day, the usual point of sexting is both parties are getting off, but not everyone sees it that way. I once had a sexting buddy who didn’t believe it should be a reciprocal arrangement. Not only did I cut off his sexting privileges, but I didn’t respond to his “You up?” texts the next time he was in town. Someone who is a selfish sexter is almost guaranteed to be a selfish sexual partner, and no girl wants any part of that. While I get that texting while stroking the salami can be difficult, practice your bimanual skills. A guy who can text me what he wants to do to me while tickling his pickle at the same time might have a shot at the real thing. At the very least, he’ll get a boob snap.

There really did used to be 2NOTBrokeGirls, but since one of them spent all of her money on shoes and vodka, there's now just one (financially stable) J, who is too lazy to change her user name. J spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to go to graduate school, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @2NOTBrokeGirls on Twitter or 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com.

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