At some point, it happens to all of us. You receive a letter from someone waving a bunch of allegations in your face that you simply had NOTHING to do with. It’s a minor setback, but those letters can carry some serious allegations, so it’s always good to not be caught off-guard and unprepared.
In the upcoming Total Frat Movie, Alpha Chi Gamma knows all too well what it’s like to be up Shit Creek without a paddle. When their house is destroyed, the Alphas face serious allegations from the university and the Dean (played by Tom Green), running the risk of being kicked off campus for good. With that in mind, I’ve come up with some ways to ensure that your chapter will come out scot-free in any situation.
You did it (allegedly) — you finally broke a pledge and he dropped (allegedly). Good riddance (allegedly). However, it seems the little cry baby went screaming foul to the university. He ran his mouth about things that never even “occurred.” He mentioned doing wall sits for hours on end, bows and toes, and drinking a mixture of ketchup, tequila, dip spit, stale beer, and relish out of an old Sperry. In his letter, he even stated, “This shit is too crazy to make up.”
I don’t know about you, but that shit sounds too crazy to be true. We would NEVER do something like that. Let’s start with the wall sits and bows and toes claim. Excuse me for putting the whole fraternity on a rigid workout program to ensure that we are kicking the shit out of everyone else on the flag football field and maintaining overall physical health. Where were the other actives doing their workouts? The bar, of course — we can’t expect the elders to be at the house during happy hour, but I can guarantee you that they were doing their exercises.
To the crazy cocktail concoction that was allegedly shoved down this man’s throat: That one’s on me. I was testing out a new drink for my entrepreneurial class to package and sell to bars. He wanted to try it, and I gave it to him. There was no shoving. He happily drank it on his own and even said, “Thank you sir, may I have another?”
I don’t see any hazing going on here.
Issues Regarding The Hotel You Stayed At For Formal
You guys decided to hit up New Orleans for formal. Great choice. Everyone had a great time, brothers got drunk, and everyone had sex except for the risk manager because he was too busy trying to tell people to slow their drinking. Little bitch. Apparently — at least according to some fucking geed hotel manager — you guys got a little rowdy and did some serious damage to rooms and hallways. But did you really?
The folks that really need to be interrogated and investigated are the 76-year-old couple that was on the same floor as us. They looked like a couple of troublemakers. I realize you mentioned that you have video evidence of us in the hallways punching ceiling tiles, but there was no punching going on. It seems that the hotel’s maintenance folks had left some nails in the hallways, and when I stepped on one, I jumped out of sheer pain from a nail going through my goddamn foot. My fist going through a ceiling tile was a mere cause and effect from the hotel’s incompetent staff. The hotel should be lucky I’m not the one who’s claiming damages.
Hitting golf balls into the house next door’s yard, stealing letters off of houses, and every other form of debauchery against your rivals has finally caught up with you. Some university official caught wind of it and now has his sights set on your suspension. It turns out, however, that holding you guys responsible for all of this is asinine because, once again, you’re not at fault.
Can you be so sure that those are, in fact, my golf balls? The balls you included as evidence are Pro V1s #3, but the only balls I have in my bag are #8s. I would highly suggest searching the surrounding fraternities for the culprit that’s hitting this certain kind of balls. The “Sigma” that we allegedly took off of Kappa Sigma’s house? If we did it, why was it found in the Delts’ back yard? Yes, our houses are across the street from each other, but we would never think of littering contraband into a rival fraternity’s backyard. That’s against the law, you know.
Test banks: We all have ’em, and we all use ’em. These things are lifesavers for that Friday morning class you were forced to take because everything else filled up. Teachers are always suspicious, and they finally thought they had enough proof when one of your dumbass brothers left an old test in the copy machine at the library. It doesn’t help that this is the same kid who wears his letters every day of the week.
While professor shit-dick is certain that we have an endless supply of test banks, I can assure you that this could not be further from the truth. I live my life by the rule of innocent until proven guilty, because this is America. There is ZERO proof that these fabled test banks exist. If they did, why would most of our fraternity have damn near perfect attendance? Sure, we may look a little different on test day than we do during actual lectures, but studying can be stressful and that can fuck up your body. You guys preach academics to us and we take that really seriously. I swear. We wouldn’t do anything to ruin the integrity of academia.
Dry Rush Turned Wet
Yeah, you guys have us on this one. In our defense, you try going through multiple days of feigning interest in a bunch of fucking new guys without one drop of alcohol in your blood. It’s damn near impossible..
Disclaimer: This is a fucking joke. Never respond to allegations with any of these responses or you will get kicked off campus.