How To Tell If She’s Batshit Crazy

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Let me let you in on a secret, gentlemen: Ladies are a little crazy. Yeah, you already knew that. But the real question you need to ask yourself when you meet a girl is where exactly does she fall on what I like to call the insane-o-meter. While most of us are crazy when it comes to dating, there are a few women out there who are just balls out, batshit nuts — as in, “boil your pet bunny Fatal Attraction-style when you don’t text her back” insane. The bad news for you is that the truly deranged of the female species are pretty good at hiding their insanity when you first meet them. The good news is that I’m here to help. Since I occasionally get on the train to Crazytown myself, I know the signs you should be looking for. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to gauge how unhinged your new lady friend is.

How much does she know about you?

Listen, all of us — both guys and girls — fall down the rabbit hole that is internet stalking when we first meet new people. We type their name into Google and emerge from a fugue state two hours later on their ex’s cousin’s sister’s Facebook page with no idea how we got there. Fuck, the last time I noticed the guy I like had a new Snapchat best friend, I spent five hours googling her username, which led me to her real name, which led me to her Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I only stopped when I found an unflattering picture that made it look like you could land a jet on her giant forehead, which made me feel much better about myself. Plus, my boobs are way bigger than hers, so screw him. That’s totally normal, right? RIGHT?

When her knowledge of your life goes beyond what she can find on the internet, alarm bells should start going off. Picking up on this requires a little bit of paying attention on your part — you need to remember what you’ve told her and what you haven’t. Then when she asks how the study group that you never mentioned went or how you like those new shoes from Man Outfitters that you didn’t tell her you bought, run. Run fast. Oh, and change your passwords to something other than your dog’s name and your birthday, you idiot.

What does her circle of friends look like?

Ironically, we ladies have a very low tolerance for crazy in other girls. For what we consider to be crazy, anyway. We’re totally willing to listen to our friend complain about how the guy from the bar last night didn’t text her or how her new boyfriend bought her pinot noir when she’s told him a million times her favorite is pinot grigio, so obviously he doesn’t love her. We don’t think any of that is crazy — that’s dudes being inconsiderate assholes and if you guys would just get your shit together, we would be totally sane. See? It’s all your fault.

The second a girl crosses the arbitrary insanity line, we run faster than we would to a two-for-one wine sale. Even though most of us have crossed that line a time or two (sorry about that time I keyed your car because you stood me up, Rob) none of us want to be friends with a girl who may be perceived as nuts, because we don’t want to seem guilty by association. Therefore, to appraise just how whacko she is, look at her friend circle. If she has a pretty decent circle of lady friends, she probably falls low-to-middle on the insane-o-meter. If it’s made up of her female cousin, her gay best friend, and a bunch of guys she’s banged and there isn’t another girl in sight, it probably means there’s a straightjacket in her future.

How long does it take her to text you back?

It’s not any great secret. Girls play this game that when a dude texts us, we don’t answer right away. We read the texts (obviously we have our read receipts turned off since we aren’t amateurs) and theorize about what the appropriate response is and when to send it as to not seem too overeager. An hour to two is pretty standard — just enough time that it would be plausible to say that I was in class or at the movies, even though I was on the couch, clutching my phone, and willing you to text me, you bastard.

But then there is the girl who overplays this technique. She doesn’t answer for hours or even days at a time. Unless she was on a flight to Australia, this should be a warning sign. No girl takes that long to text anyone back, so it’s either because she doesn’t like you that way (Which obviously means she’s a lunatic, right?) or she’s putting way too much effort into appearing like she doesn’t care. Your best bet for less drama? The girl who usually answers you right away, because she doesn’t give a fuck about playing games. My style? Triple-texting. Like it or GTFO.

What level of craziness does she admit to?

There are three levels of a girl owning her crazy. The first level is the girl who acknowledges that she is completely out of her mind. If she owns that she’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs now, she’s not going to magically become stable anytime soon. The sex may be amazing, but when she slashes your tires for canceling a date to play video games with your bros, it won’t seem quite as exciting.

Skipping up to level three, here are the girls who deny that they are even the littlest bit crazy. Typically, it’s the girls who deny their crazy that are the biggest lunatics of all. Anyone who doesn’t admit to losing her shit every now and again is likely a repressed volcano waiting to blow — and not blow in a good way.

What you want to be looking for is the girl who falls right in the middle of the scale on level two. The most “normal” girl you are going to find is the one who can own that she’s a little bit nuts about certain things, but isn’t completely fucking insane. She’ll yell at you from time to time for reasons you don’t understand, but at least she won’t burn your dick off with battery acid. Plus, if she’s a little bit crazy, it means that being with her probably won’t be dull. And that’s a good thing, right?

There really did used to be 2NOTBrokeGirls, but since one of them spent all of her money on shoes and vodka, there's now just one (financially stable) J, who is too lazy to change her user name. J spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to go to graduate school, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @2NOTBrokeGirls on Twitter or 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com.

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