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How To Tell If You’re Dating A Psycho Hosebeast

random tropical paradise

“Baby girl.” “Sweetheart.” “Sugar.” “Pickles.” Whatever you call her, she’s your girl. Your main squeeze. That one chick who knows your ins and outs yet still loves you for *you* despite your various shortcomings (premature ejaculation joke intended).

WRONG.

News flash: girls may love you, but no girl will ever love you unconditionally. Every relationship is a failed relationship waiting to happen. It’s all just a matter of sitting back and waiting for time to run its collision course. Maybe it’ll be one week in when she sees you like the latest TFM Babe of the Day‘s Instagram photos. Maybe it’ll be when you’re eighty and she gets mad at you for “never paying attention to her” because you’re deaf and you fell asleep in the middle of her story about how Dorothy from her knitting class had sex with the nurse who sucks the poop out of her colostomy bag each night. Whenever it may be, all you can do is pray that the sweet embrace of an old age death is what prevents you from seeing it all go down.

The best way to make sure that everything doesn’t turn to shit while you’re still among the living? Vet your girl. And by that, I don’t mean stick her in a crate like a vet does their cute animal patients; I mean judge whether or not she’s worth keeping around like a vet does their cute animal patients that may or may not have rabies. There are nine things you should be looking for when deciding whether or not you’re dating a psycho hosebeast and should thusly euthanize your relationship.

1. She celebrates her half birthday more intensely than most girls celebrate their real ones. Anyone who makes a legitimately big deal about a faux holiday created solely to stroke oneself off should be red flagged like they’re a category 5 hurricane.

2. She has viewed every photo/video from every Snapchat/Instagram story you’ve posted since she started following you. Anyone devoting that much time to looking up on you is bound to find something she doesn’t like — and confront you about it — soon enough.

3. She thinks the movie Gravity is better than the movie Interstellar. AKA she’s full of shit.

4. She assumes you remember the names of everyone in her entire extended family after meeting them all for fifteen seconds at a wedding once, quizzes you on them daily, and gets mad when you call her Great Aunt Linda “Step Aunt Laura.”

5. She wants you to order for her but then gets mad when you purposely order her something you know she’s not going to like so that you get to eat it instead. As if she didn’t know that was your M.O.

6. She owns, wants to own, has ever owned, or knows somebody who has ever interacted with a cat whose name includes the prefixes “Mr.” or “Ms.”

7. The names she suggests for your eventual children sound like what George R.R. Martin would name members of the most inbred family in Westeros.

8. She suggests names for your eventual children.

9. The number one, foolproof, no-bones-about-it way to tell whether or not your girlfriend/fiancé is a good-for-nothing ninnymuggins? She does this to you on your wedding day.

Did that story of a hosebeast having a groomsman hose down her isle right before she was supposed to walk down the aisle tickle your fancy like he tickled hers? If so, make sure to catch the hilarious consequences of her actions by preordering Grandex Productions’ newest movie, Random Tropical Paradise, which you can do by clicking here. It comes out in theaters and on-demand June 9.

Head on a swivel; hosebeasts are everywhere.

Image via Random Tropical Paradise

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