A Guide To The Racist Rager

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If you’ve read TFM News lately, you know that there’s an epidemic in the world of higher education, (people complaining about) offensive fraternity parties. These parties, dubbed by the media as “racist ragers,” are the current scourge of the politically correct. No matter their theme, whether it be Asian or Mexican or Mexican or Mexican or Mexican, the people who didn’t attend these parties agree, they’re super offensive and wrong, because they promote stereotypes that totally aren’t perpetuated in real life by the Chinese graduate exchange student working as TA despite barely being able to speak English.

But how do you know if your house is throwing a “racist rager?” Is simply naming your party a “fiesta” racist? What about having a Kwanza room for your “12 Shots of Christmas” party? Racist? I guess it depends, but if you really want to throw a racist rager the right way, follow these simple steps.

Pick A Culture!

Mexican
This is of course the most popular of all the racist rager themes, and why shouldn’t it be? Mexicans are a festive people! Wait, was it racist to say that even though it was a compliment? Like how it’s technically racist to say Asians are good at math or black dudes have huge dongs? Regardless, Mexican themed fiestas provide an excuse to drink margaritas, tequila, and a variety of delicious Mexican beer, which is to say, they’re glorious.

Asian
Japanese and Chinese seem to be the two popular themes in this category, though for the life of me I don’t know why more houses don’t go with Thailand, or at the very least a Vietnam Army Bros and Saigon Hooker Hoes theme. Either way, the sake and Chinese beer will flow like the Yangtze…because nobody will actually care to figure out if they got the culture right.

Arabic
A lot of people in Aladdin and Jasmine costumes are going to be showing up to this one, and we all know how racist Disney can be. Plus at least one dead Osama is bound to show up.

Black
Nope, don’t do this. Too racist.

Irish
Doesn’t count, not racist enough.

Cowboys and Indians
Don’t worry, if you call it “Cowboys and Native Americans” it’s still racist. “Cowboys and Redskins” is fine though, right NFL? It might be less racist if the girls dress up as the Indians, not really sure. Hotness trumps racism, right?

Make An Invitation, Make It Offensive, And Get It Out To The Masses

If there’s one party the entire campus needs to know about, it’s the one where you and all your brothers will be dressing up as formerly/currently oppressed minorities. So draw up that invitation, bonus points for spelling English words the way that culture sort of sometimes pronounces them instead of just writing them in regular English. Making references to historic and/or current tragedies is also a plus. Beer-oshima and Naga-sake, anyone?

Outrageous Costumes

Sure if you’re going to a fiesta party you could just throw on a sombrero, if you want to be Senor Boring! But why not dress up as a Los Zetas drug cartel member? Your date could go as a Mexican investigative reporter you plan to behead. Now that’s a spicy costume. The INS agent/illegal immigrant combo is also tried and true. If it’s a Feliz Navidad party get creative and go as Santa Anna Claus, though that reference might be too intelligent to be offensive. Can we get a ruling on that from a whiny blogger?

If you’re throwing an Asian party, the geisha is a classic, but don’t bank on a ninja offending anyone. Ninjas have been mainstream for years, people don’t mind a guy with a katana and black pajamas. Nor is it offensive to dress up like a Pokémon character, if it were the anime club would have been out of business years ago. You want to really wow people? Go as Kim Jong Un, the aforementioned Vietnam era Saigon hooker, or better yet, make a pledge dress like a Thai man-lady.

Ridiculous House Decorations

If you’re throwing a theme party, it can’t just be the guests that match the theme. Hang up some paper lamps or piñatas filled with mini tequila bottles, or you could get really hardcore and build a replica of the U.S. border in your basement. The better the craftsmanship the more offended people will be. Hard work doesn’t always pay off.

Take As Many Pictures As Possible, Post Them All To Facebook

Because the people who didn’t get a chance to see your invitation depicting some stereotypes doing stereotype stuff need to see what they missed, namely a sumo wrestler nailing a rice paddy farmer in the corner.

Apologize

Yeah, that’s probably inevitable.

My advice? Just celebrate America instead.

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