“Hug Bandit” Terrorizes St. Louis

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

My hometown is being ravaged by a sick, sadistic criminal.

St. Louis police, i.e. the police force from a city that twice in the last ten years was voted the country’s most dangerous, are on the hunt for a man known as “The Hug Bandit.” Is this perhaps an ironically innocent nickname for a man who has been committing terrible, hug related crimes? Does this man bear hug his victims to death? Does he give them a quick prison shank when they come in for the hug? Are the people he’s trying to hug children? Does he inappropriately grope his victims? Is he at least hard when he’s doing it? Nah, he just hugs them. He’s just a flaccid penis’ed guy hugging some random women.

So what’s the big deal? He’s trying to spread the love! Apparently a couple women who don’t like being hugged by strangers in a grocery store parking lot (CLEARLY they were on their periods) think that this “Hug Bandit” needs to be stopped. From Time NewsFeed:

The serial hugger tells his target that he’s a friend from the “old neighborhood,” say the women. Then, he announces it’s his birthday and requests a hug as a present. Sometimes the women agree.

The hug bandit’s favorite stalking grounds are outside local Schnucks supermarkets…

The old “hey-I-used-to-know-you-plus-it’s-my-birthday-give-me-a-hug” trick, huh? Well played Hug Bandit. Unfortunately the serial hugger was undone when he ventured over to the east side to solicit hugs.

But his scheme seems to have unraveled after one lady he propositioned in the suburb of Fairview Heights, Ill., wasn’t feeling the love. He asked for a squeeze and she dialed 911.

Well he had to see that coming. I call 911 when someone looks at me weird on that side of the bridge, even in Fairview Heights… I’m so white.

The woman was able to give police a pretty accurate description of the man:

Police say they are now searching for a white male in his 30s or 40s, medium height, 170 pounds, driving a silver Nissan sedan.

Minus the age that describes me almost perfectly. I even drive a silver Nissan Altima. The next time I’m back in St. Louis I’m going to spend all of my free time in Schnucks parking lots, hugging random women, and then speeding away in my car. I’ll be the copycat “Hug Bandit.” That town will never know what hit it… again.

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

More From Bacon »

Comments

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

  1. -1
    BrotlebyTheScribner

    Saint Louis police have a lot more to worry about than trying to satisfy one of the million suburban soccer mom’s and her demand for “justice.”

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago