Growing up in Florida makes you realize that several facts are just plain inevitable. There will always be ancient old women driving 45 on the highway while they casually birdwatch out the window. There will always be the obnoxious Miami guidos who give The Sunshine State a bad name. And finally, when summer comes you better believe a few hurricanes will raise their breezy heads.
When a hurricane or tropical storm hits, your options for recreation become limited. Going out is at best an extremely moistening experience. At worst it could be fatal. Summer days where you’d love nothing more than a cold beer by the pool are ruined by the torrents of flooding misery.
But fear not, there is one thing you can do to relieve the boredom while the storm lubelessly thrusts itself into your fair city: throw a raging hurricane party.
It was only a few short years ago I found myself moving into my first apartment (fuck dorms) ready to begin my Freshman year of college, when just such a hurricane made landfall on the tip of the Floridian dong. My first week of classes was cancelled, and I found myself with all the time in the world and no idea how to spend it.
My roommates and I came to the natural conclusion that so many have before: it’s raining, so let’s get stupid drunk. While my first hurricane party was an unorganized mess of blended drink hysteria, I have since perfected the craft and will gladly pass my knowledge onto all of you debauchery-loving readers of TFM.
The most difficult part of a hurricane party lies in the storms’ completely unpredictable natures. While weathermen may tell you the storm will hit in a days time, often they will miss you entirely. A true hurricane party has to be completely impromptu, organized a day or two before the actual strike.
The most important aspect of a hurricane party (or any party for that matter) is the quantity and quality of alcoholic beverages in tow. The obvious choice for your hurricane party is the classic Pat O’Brien’s concoction, the Hurricane. There are thousands of different recipes to try online, and the only logical way to figure out which one is best is to experiment. If you spend all day with rum, fruit juice, and a blender you’re bound to stumble across the perfect ratio. Research can be tough sometimes.
Unless you’re trying to throw a brainfreeze party, you’re going to need some supplemental libations. My suggestion is to add a pallet of beer based on the strength of the storm. Category 1 means one pallet, Category 3 means three, and Category 5 means you probably should have evacuated. You might as well be risky as possible.
Regardless of the success of your hurricane party, it’s important to make sure people aren’t going outside. In case an actual emergency happens, you’re already fucked up beyond reason, no need to make it worse by tempting the gods of flying debris. If shit starts to get real (windows breaking, visible tornadoes, etc.) your best bet is to lock yourself in the bathroom, ideally with an attractive female and a personal 30-rack. If you’re going to test the uncontrollable forces of nature, you might as well get drunk and laid while you’re at it.
As hurricane season looms over us, let’s all take a step back and try to see the aluminum silver lining. Tropical Storm Debby Downer is about to jump on Florida like Rosie O’Donnell on a box of Krispy Kreme Original Glazed. More storms are pretty much guaranteed to follow. While hurricanes can be devastating and deadly events, if you play your cards right they can also turn into a damn good time.