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I Eat My Steak With Ketchup And Fuck You If You Don’t Like It

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Believe me when I say this, I’ve done plenty of my things during my 22 years on this earth that are worth judgement. If you want to judge me, you can look back into the past chapters of my life and you’ll easily find a laundry list of valid reasons to. First off, I have bipolar disorder, so I’ve totally blown up at loved ones and ended up saying horrifically disgusting things that I can’t even print in an article on TFM (which says a lot.) And hell, a few years ago a girl asked me to pee on her and I did it. Let me explain. We were dating and she asked me to go full R. Kelly on her in the shower and I’m a gentleman who loves the Ignition Remix so I wanted to oblige my girlfriend. And on top of all of that, I saw Sausage Party in theaters twice. TWICE. Truly unforgivable things.

There is one thing, however, I will fully and proudly admit to, and it’s something that I will always refuse to accept judgement for. I’m going to be honest with you guys: I eat steak with ketchup. And fuck you if you don’t like it.

Yes, steak with ketchup, it’s borderline blasphemous. It’s something that only a homeless toddler with down syndrome in Alabama would ever dare to do. But I do it all the god damn time. In public, where the world can see. I even take pictures to document the event, Ron Swanson style. It is my life passion.

And up until recently, I was totally unaware of the bizarre stigma against steak with ketchup. Damn, ignorance is bliss. But lately I’ve started to notice all the snobby, pretentious judgement, and it hurts. Get off your moral high horse, you pretentious fucks.

People always laugh at me when I ask for ketchup after I get a steak at a restaurant. They point and they stare at me, and they look at me like I’m a monstrous freak. I feel like the Elephant Man of the Outback Steakhouse.

Life ain’t easy for a steak and ketchup man, but I’m just like you. I’m just a blue collar, hard working American man trying to find this way through this world. I’m a normal human being like everyone else. I get up, I work, I avoid taxes, and I pray to Yeezus every night before I go to sleep after a long day. Every morning, I put on the tight pants that I stole from Lenny Kravits one leg at a time. I’m just like everyone else, so please be open minded.

There are many civil rights issues in the country that we have struggled with, and we can continue to grapple with these issues on a daily basis. Racism, sexism, anti-semitism, homophobia — the list goes on and on. But now, it’s time for society to finally start accepting the steak and ketchup people. If not, we will start a revolution. Blood will be shed.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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