I Had No Idea What The Clitoris Looked Like

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I want to come clean about something.

For years, I’ve been boasting that I, being a biology major, had a huge advantage over all my brothers in the bedroom because I “knew human anatomy” and “nerve endings and stuff.”

Above all, I believed my studies had given me an unbeatable scientific insight into the anatomy of the female pleasure center and put me at the top of the game.

I have never been so wrong.

A while ago, I wrote an article about the importance of the female orgasm. Several ladies contacted me to helpfully point out that I had no idea what the hell I was talking about. To those ladies, I apologize. But I have to set the record straight, because I badly misled all of you on an important matter of fact:

I described the clitoris like a “bean.” The truth is, in the words of my roommate, it really looks a lot more like “a freaky space squid.”

I discovered the error of my ways recently when I stumbled across a story in The Guardian about the French government 3D printing out thousands of models of the human clitoris and distributing them in their sex ed classes. Ah, 3D printing.

But then I looked, really looked, at the clitoris for the first time, fully unmasked.

I had no idea a clitoris looked like that.

It has arms that extend both around the rim of the vagina and pouches that reach deep inside. Presumably, these arms exist in order to provide orgasmic stimulation during penetration, but fuck, now I’m starting to question everything.

According to my girlfriend (who agrees with The Guardian author that the hot button looks a lot more like a flower) knowing the anatomy opens up whole new roads of sexual satisfaction that make women’s pleasure equal to men’s and promotes fairness in the bedroom.

I say if you can make your woman happy, you’ll end up much happier, too.

And if you’ve got anxiety about satisfying in the sack, learn the clit structure and study it well. No longer will you have to tug at strings like a blind man trying to operate a Chinese supercomputer. You’ll know where the stuff is, and you’ll know right where to go. Fireworks will ignite. Knowledge is power.

Maybe more clitoral awareness will lead to a better and more equitable world, a utopia where everyone can get their nut and move on to address the more pressing challenges of our society.

Like why the hell France is giving 3D printed sex organs to schoolchildren. Come on, France. Jesus.

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