I Hate You And What You’re Sharing On Facebook

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At this point, my Facebook friends are divided into two categories. There are people I like, which generally include my fraternity brothers, old friends, people who post entertaining statuses, and attractive women. Then there are the people that are awful. They’re the ones who are weird, or depressing and desperate for attention, overly political, or just completely retarded, which unfortunately often combines with the overly political category. Please tell me more about your stance on gun control!

Any rational person is probably thinking to themselves, “Why don’t you just unfriend the people that are awful?”

I can’t. I’m addicted to hate-watching their lives like they’re the Honey Boo Boo show or a New York Jets game. Every time one of these people gives an update about their life it’s like seeing Mark Sanchez run into his own lineman’s ass. It’s great. It’s also fucked up, I know.

“Look at this stupid shit they just said!” I think to myself. “They SUCK! That means I’M AWESOME.”*

*Note: No, no it doesn’t.

Sometimes though, privately hating the things these people say on Facebook isn’t enough. My hate gets blue balls, and I need a release.

What I can’t stand the most is the re-shared content. Spare me the shamelessly emotion-invoking parables about some blind old man eating soup out of shoe WHO TURNS OUT TO BE GOD or whatever.

Worse still, don’t take some life philosophy shit attributed (probably incorrectly) to a random famous/successful person and point to it, basically screaming “THIS IS ME! I ALSO THINK THIS WAY! JUST LIKE THIS FAMOUS/SUCCESSFUL PERSON DOES! THEREFORE I AM JUST LIKE THIS PERSON!”

I recently came across one of those in the form of a supposed high school commencement speech that Bill Gates was purported to have given. A couple people I know posted it. All of them are middle management types at soul-sucking jobs, and all of them fall into the latter category of my Facebook friends.

This “speech” was exactly the sort of thing a shitty boss would read and think, “I need to pass this onto my team, NAY, the world! Not only to inspire my direct subordinates, but also to let everyone know my life philosophy, because it’s awesome, and it’s the same one Bill Gates has, which makes it even MORE awesome.” How do I know that? Because I once received it in a company email at a previous job.

I guarantee at least one set of these people’s employees received this shit in an email too. It makes me thankful that I now work at a company where, if my bosses were so inclined to send something like this, I could reply all, “This is fucking gay.”

The “speech” itself is beyond lame. It’s filled with the sort of clichés and “real talk” that permeate through corporate retreats and motivational meetings. I decided to break it down, because God this thing is fucking stupid, and I hate it so, so much.

___

Bill Gates recently gave a Commencement speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.

Let me stop you right there, douchebag. No, no he didn’t. In fact a quick Google search of this speech yielded the following:

No, the above-cited list of “Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School” didn’t originate with former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.

One version, which appeared on the Internet in June 2002…

2002! I was unaware that “recently” meant a “a fucking decade ago.”

You’re already completely full of shit! Actually, even worse, you’re trumpeting the completely full of shit words of others! It’s like you’re pitching me to join a self-esteem pyramid scheme THAT YOU DON’T EVEN RUN!

He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Bill Gates is one of the most feel-good, politically correct people on this planet. People forget that behind those BILLIONS of dollars is this guy:

But yeah, sure, that hippie nerd TOTALLY went ahead and randomly decided to spend an entire graduation speech shitting all over the naïve worldview of a bunch of 18 year olds.

The type of people who post this crap, especially if it’s in a work environment, are the same people who are probably proud of being a “no bullshit” type of person, which is ironic since they’re trying to prove to others that they’re “no bullshit” by showing them a giant pile of bullshit.

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

ARGH! I’m so STRONG! Life ISN’T fair and I FUCKING KNOW IT AND DOMINATE LIFE ANYWAY!

This is the point where every tool that shared this achieved full erection. From here on out they’re just jacking themselves off.

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

You know what else the world doesn’t care about? This. Stop sharing it.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

No fucking shit they won’t. Not even the drug dealers.

There are two reasons these kids don’t actually think they’ll be making $60,000 a year right out of high school.

1)This speech is fake and these kids don’t actually exist.
2)After their fake high school graduation they’ll probably be attending fake college.

You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

A car phone? Yeah this is definitely a speech that was “recently delivered.” Forget 2002, this thing just dated itself back to 1992. Holy shit the people who like this are stupid.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Like a boss who would forward this around to his employees as a motivational tool, because that guy is an ASSHOLE.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

My grandpa was a doctor.

Regardless, thank you for the imagery of poor, Hungarian, Ellis Island immigrants working at a McDonald’s, because it’s hilarious, and it makes as much sense as the rest of this dogshit.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes; learn from them.

Boss: Smith! These spreadsheets are a mess! What the hell happened?

Smith: I’m sorry sir. I’ve been having a really rough time with things lately. I just recently came forward to the police about my father molesting me when I was 11 years old. It’s been tough.

Boss: Your father? You know, it takes a real weak man to blame his mistakes on his parents! Get these back to me done right, TONIGHT, or you’re fucking fired. Also, I’m going to forward you an email with a speech Bill Gates once gave to a graduating high school class. I hope you find it as enlightening as I did.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

WHAT!?!?! What does that even mean?

Your parents used to be cool, but you made them suck, so before you save the rainforest that they destroyed, clean out your closet.

If Bill Gates had actually recently given this speech I’d recommend that Bill Gates be tested for dementia.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

This one kind of makes me wish that this was an actual commencement speech given by Bill Gates.

“Hey kids, you see all these teachers in the room with you? THEY’RE A BUNCH OF PUSSIES WHO MADE YOU INTO EVEN BIGGER PUSSIES!”

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Life doesn’t have semesters like your pussy school does! It also doesn’t have study hall! And gym class! And lunch! And books! And smiles! SO FUCK YOU!

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Yeah, take that, The Office and ER and Law and Order:SVU and Bob’s Burgers (remember, flipping burgers is a real job and NOT beneath you!).

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

But not the guy who sent this, because he’s a “no bullshit” MAN!

If you agree, pass it on.

Please don’t.

If you can read this – Thank a teacher!

Nah.

If you are reading it in English – Thank a soldier!!

GOD.

I’m reading this in English BECAUSE IT’S WRITTEN IN FUCKING ENGLISH!

I will gladly thank a soldier. I’ll thank him for his service and for being awesome and for being a badass. What I won’t thank him for is my ability to read and speak English. Why? Partly because I don’t feel like having a soldier look at me like I’m adult disabled.

I also won’t thank a soldier for my speaking English because the continental United States hasn’t been invaded in force by a foreign army since The War of 1812, so all the soldiers I could possibly thank have been dead for roughly 200 years.

Oh yeah, and also, the only foreign army to EVER invade the United States SPOKE FUCKING ENGLISH!

I enjoyed the last part, as a conclusion it really hammered home how thoroughly retarded whoever actually wrote this really is.

If you have ever sent or shared this fake Bill Gates speech, or some other shit with Morgan Freeman’s picture at the top or whatever, please make slow, passionate love to a box of cutlery.

***


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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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Comments

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  1. 2
    Douglas MacArthur

    Any rational person is probably thinking to themselves, “Why don’t you just skip Dorn’s columns?”
    I can’t. I’m addicted to hate-watching his life like he’s the Honey Boo Boo show or a New York Jets game. Every time he writes something it’s like seeing Mark Sanchez run into his own lineman’s ass. It’s great. It’s also fucked up, I know.

    Bacon, thanks for giving me the words.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 2
    SupremeGrandFratsar

    Good work here bacon, thank you for my ability to fuck in english. Seriously, though, it was good- better than anything that comes from your wetback of a coworkwer.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 1
    That_One_Guy

    This was good. I liked the breakdown of why it’s retarded to thank a soldier for the ability to read in English. Carry on

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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