After being “Team Borislow” for far longer than I care to admit, I set out to have the best fantasy football team name in the league. Little did I know, I would end up with the (me-proclaimed) greatest fantasy football team name of all-time.
Even though I was swagging out at a respectable 0-1 in the Grandex A-Team fantasy football league — an unbelievably misleading name considering we are the second best league out of the two at the company — I knew it was time for a change. Our league already had some pretty good names — Do The Sankey Leg, Carlos Hyde Ya Kids Hide Ya Wife, God Hates Jags — so I knew I had to do some research to reach the pinnacle of fantasy football nomenclature.
Andy Dalton’s Carpet? That’s just weird.
Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan? No, too played out.
Ray Rise? Nah, not sure people will get the elevator pun.
Then I came across the name that would change fantasy football team names forever: Jeff Tuel
Jeffrey Victor Tuel is a 24-year-old quarterback out of Washington State. You may remember him as the quarterback who was going to start in the Buffalo Bills’ 2013 season opener before it was determined E.J. Manuel was healthy enough to play. After his brief stint with the Bills, Tuel was claimed off of waivers by the Jacksonville Jaguars in the 2015 pre-season.
Although he was cut during the Jaguars’ move to a 75-man roster, Tuel was with the Jags long enough to get his name into the ESPN Fantasy Football player database, meaning his name was fair game for getting punnified. And what did I, in a moment of clarity, decide to do with it?
Jeff Tuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams.
Well, technically, it’s “Jeff Tuel Can’t Melt Steelbeams” because those pencil pushers over at ESPN weren’t willing to dish out an extra character for your boy. Doesn’t matter, though — already got a win under the belt with the new-and-improved franchise.
Look how well that name works! Just a simple switch of the “f” and the “t” and you’ve got the battle cry of the moronic keyboard warrior 9/11 conspiracy theorist. Do you know who likes making fun of 9/11 conspiracy theorists? Me. Do you know who likes it more?
Jeff Motherfuckin’ Tuel.
@DeVryGuy give me a torch I bet I could
— Jeff Tuel (@qb10jvt) September 21, 2015
Happy footballing, y’all..