I Just Created The Perfect University

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Nice Move

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The movie “Weird Science” was before your time, but you should see it. It’s a classic ’80s flick with classic ’80s attire and a classic ’80s plot line. In it, two high school super-nerd virgins, Gary and Wyatt, get their scrawny hands on a magic home computer and design what they believe is the perfect woman, then BAM–she comes to life in the form of actress Kelly LeBrock. Pure ’80s sex, this woman.

Applying this concept, I’m going to create my idea of the perfect university, using parts of actual U.S. institutions to create one perfect one. It, too, will be pure sex.

Campus/Town

I could go several ways here. We’ve got beachside Pepperdine, the mountainous surroundings of CU-Boulder, college town-y UGA, lakeside UW, or even the historic Ivy League schools–it’s a true matter of preference. My preference is the one that matters now, though, and I’m all about that college town vibe. The mountains and beach are for vacations. Pepperdine might have flawless tits and UW might have an ass for days, but Athens is better in the sack.

Winner: University of Georgia

Girls

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Had it not been for the recent launch of TFM Girls and the eye-opening revelation that soon followed, I’d have picked Florida State without hesitation and called it a day. And I do still believe FSU’s Delta Gamma chapter is the single hottest sorority in the country. However, the University of Arizona’s depth chart is loaded with five-star talent. You could toss a football into the student section at U of A game and hit three nines or better. The Wildcats came out of seemingly nowhere and have quickly ascended to the top of the sexy food chain. I mean, wow. This may even be a landslide victory.

Winner: University of Arizona

Athletics

Really tough call here. Athletics are so up and down every year for each university. The University of Texas has perennially well-rounded athletics. Its big three (football, baseball, and basketball) are usually as strong, as a whole, as any in the country. Florida has a really strong big three, too. Coincidentally, both of their football programs are currently down. I have to weigh the big three–football even more so–heavier than the non-rev sports (sorry, Stanford). Oregon, Ohio State, Notre Dame, and FSU are all candidates here, too, but I’m taking the Gators. Pulling for you, Muschamp.

Winner: University of Florida

Football Tailgating

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It all boils down to two programs for me: LSU and Ole Miss (but much love to UW’s “sterngating“). I must disclose that I haven’t yet tailgated in The Grove, but I have in Baton Rouge (thrice). I can’t imagine a tailgating scene better than what LSU has going on. It’s beautiful madness. I do recognize, however, that The Grove is just a special place. The white linens, the proper southern attire, the Walk of Champions, the aroma of bourbon in the air for miles, and the unrelenting support of bad-to-average football–its uniqueness pushes it over the top.

Winner: University of Mississippi

Money

We’re talking real numbers here, so I’ll skip the conjecture. A certain, well-known Ivy Leaguer is easily the richest. With an endowment of more than $32 BILLION, Harvard is the richest university in the United States. It’s worth as much as the country of Jordan. UT-Austin is the richest among the non-Ivys, sitting at a respectable $20.4 billion, which equals the GDP of Afghanistan.

Winner: Harvard University

Education

You’ll probably skip this part, so I’ll just toss out Harvard again and we can move onto the next section. However, a strategy I considered for this category was selecting the education that, while very respectable, allows for the student to actually enjoy a social life. The winner would be a solid balance of the two. A school like, say, Duke would fit nicely using this criteria. You can’t really top a Harvard education, though.

Winner: Harvard University

Greek Life

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This was the toughest category for me. Alabama, Iowa, Penn State, Indiana, Ole Miss, Miami-Ohio, and DePauw are all worthy. After a quick poll of our staff, the consensus is that Ole Miss has the best overall Greek scene in the country. Considering the sheer volume of students rushing, the sprawling, plantation-style mansions, and the general lifestyle enjoyed by Ole Miss Greek members, the school is a strong representative for tops in the U.S.

Winner: University of Mississippi

The perfect university is made up of the following parts:

Campus/Town: UGA
Girls: ‘Zona
Athletics: UF
Football Tailgating: Ole Miss
Money: Harvard
Education: Harvard
Greek Life: Ole Miss

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