Black Friday Is My Favorite Day Of The Year Because I Love Watching Idiots Fight Over Rice Cookers

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Once the Halloween and election festivities wrap up, a heated debate that’s gone on for years will make its return to the public consciousness. It revolves around Black Friday, the day in which countless people scratch, claw, and run over their fellow man in search of hot, hot deals at America’s retail stores. The public stance on this day has grown increasingly dim in recent years after stories of tramplings, stabbings, and theft, which has culminated in many retail chains refusing to take part in the event.

You might find yourself taking the side of the outraged on this one. After all, Black Friday has gotten out of control, and has seemingly tried to take over Thanksgiving Day itself in the last decade. All across America, people are putting their families and traditions aside to take part in this Sisyphean bloodsport that nobody really wins. Isn’t it time that we got back to basics and put a stop to this madness?

Hell no.

If Charles Darwin were with us today, he would shed tears of delight at the soccer mom before him gouging out the eyes of an octogenarian pensioner for that 20% off rice cooker. He’d pump his fist and egg on the unemployed divorcée father who holds up a pastor at gunpoint because Father Moneybags can afford the new Barbie while he can’t. He’d probably actually get trampled himself, having never predicted humans would evolve into… this. But he wouldn’t care.

Let me ask you something: Do you regularly partake in Black Friday? I’ll bet you don’t. But take a look at your social media feeds as you watch Thanksgiving football and you’ll see just how many inbred dolts are taking part in the feeding frenzy, bragging about the “amazing deal” that saved them $50 on a television that’s going on clearance at year’s end anyway.

Laughing at the stupidity of plebeians is all well and good, but a common argument against Black Friday is that it’s a public health hazard. Like I said, every year you hear about people being robbed, maimed, and killed all across the country. But I assure you, these are the people that would just as soon die by trying to deep fry a frozen turkey in their living room. It was only a matter of time before they left this earth; might as well speed up the process.

The best argument I’ve heard for getting rid of Black Friday centers around the employees that have to spend time working awful shifts away from their families, which really sucks. You may think I can’t identify with or have sympathy for these people, but I did work in retail a long time ago. I was 17 and working in a department store for near minimum wage. Working there made me want to kill myself every day. If anything, the awfulness that was Black Friday from a store employee’s standpoint served as motivation for me to work harder and get a better job. I wanted each Black Friday to be my last.

Black Friday is like a controlled burn in a forest: It purges the landscape of all the weeds and pests while keeping the towering oaks safe and strong. If you’re an oak, you’ve got nothing to worry about. So hear this, America: Don’t cancel or ban Black Friday. Keep it going strong, and enjoy the spectacle, while I hit up Cyber Monday.

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