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I Miss 50 Cent

fifty cent 50 cent curtis jackson

Where. The. Hell. Is. Fiddy?

That’s what I say to myself every single day. It’s the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning, and it’s the last thought I have when I go to bed at night. I see a therapist and its the only thing I talk about for an hour. I lay on the couch like I’m in an old Woody Allen movie and rant about “P.I.M.P.” while smooth jazz permeates the background.

For the past few years, Curtis Jackson has been MIA; nowhere to be seen in the music world, for the most part. Sure, he’s acted in some movies that none of us saw, and produces a TV show that none of us watch… He’s also become a bit of a businessman and an entrepreneur, with multiple investments and products — like Jay Z but with a less hot wife. He’s even become a boxing promoter, which is definitely pretty cool. But where the hell is the music, Fifth?

The most 50 we’ve seen in the limelight recently was a few years ago when he had a feud with Floyd Mayweather over his alleged illiteracy, even challenging Money to read books on live TV — which was fucking hilarious. What could be more epic than Mayweather vs. Seuss? Fitty also did a horrible first pitch at an MLB game.

I’d mock him for it, but my pitch probably would have been even worse.

The last album we got was 3 years ago, and it was called Animal Ambition. It flew under the radar big time, which is a shame because it was pretty good. It might have been his weakest album, but it’s still pretty solid (“Winners Circle” is a top 5 track from his whole discography, in my pointless opinion).

But let’s rewind for a moment, back in the early 2000s, Dr. Dre and Eminem delivered a new artist to America’s doorstep. His backstory was like something from a movie: shot 9 times and lived to tell the tale, got dropped from a label, got discovered by Shady, and the rest is history. He was like a hip-hop superhero, walking around like an indestructible gangster cartoon character. Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ was an instant classic, and “In Da Club” was arguably the hugest song of 2003.

For the next few years, he ran rap. Some of his mainstream hits were “Candy Shop,” “Just A Lil Bit,” “Ayo Technology,” “Amusement Park,” and “Baby By Me,” which could all easily be summed up as, “Hey, I’m Really Good At Sex.” But the shit was so catchy that it’s impossible to care.

He also had his own damn video game! Name another rapper with a video game. We need more. An Eminem game where you kill your wife and have to dump the body by dawn. A Biggie Smalls game where you eat as many burgers as possible. A Soulja Boy game where you singlehandedly destroy western civilization.

But then what? Well, he slowly faded into obscurity, and even became a punchline when he filed for bankruptcy a few years ago. And when that happened, everyone on social media made corny jokes like, “I guess 50 Cent only has…. 50 cents!” Sad!

He joined the ranks of the other 2000s rappers who disappeared into thin air: Chingy, Bubba Sparxxx, Chamillionaire, Fat Joe, Avril Lavigne, Carlos Mencia and Dick Cheney.

Perhaps pop culture has moved on. Gangsta rap is a dead subgenre, after all. It just kinda got old.

There’s hope, though. 50’s actually in a new Predator movie next year (by Predator, I mean the famous movie monster, not the inevitable Bill Cosby biopic), and he’s promised a new album Street King Immortal for years. Word has it that it finally comes out on Nevuary 47th.

A moment of silence for 50. We miss you, sir.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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