Columns

Ideal Songs For Porch Drinking This Weekend

porch drinking

Whether the weather is warm or wet, your week has been wrecked by a whole lot of responsibility. You owe it to yourself to kick back with a tradition as old as history itself — getting ‘faced on a porch. Fun fact: porch drinking was invented by American patriots who would chuck empty flagons at snarky Redcoats who just couldn’t take an L gracefully. The more you know. Let these tunes take you on a magical journey to a land of pure inebriation under the sun or overhang of your choosing.

Leave suggestions in the comments for a chance to be featured on the next edition. The top comment will be pegged a fan favorite while the track I dig the most will receive an honorable mention. Got it? Good.

Let’s crank some tunes.

Fan Favorite: The Star Spangled Banner, Various Artists

Suggested by Gerald R. Ford. Now, President Ford may have played a little too much football with his helmet off, but I have to appreciate his commitment to a bit. It was the top comment, so I’m going to respect the wishes of the people. Just don’t abuse my good nature. For the sake of vibes, here’s Slash killing it. Music starts at 1:02.

Honorable Mention: The Stroke, Billy Squier

Suggested by BigGirls26 (fuck yeah). Pelvic thrust like an absolute madman to a song that pairs well with a porch or a pool hall.

1. Mo Money Mo Problems, Notorious B.I.G. ft. Mase and Puff Daddy

Unstoppable hip-hop with a classic sample and flawless breaks. Deviate to a separate plane of existence with some of the truest verses Biggie ever spit. Diddy might warm you up but the GOAT brings it all home.

2. Hot ‘N’ Nasty, Humble Pie

Find it! Find what? Who gives a shit? How about find a cold one and someone hot to make a little nasty with. Be your own man for me one time, Jeff.

3. Boys from Oklahoma, Cross Canadian Ragweed

If you ain’t talking harmonica, I don’t want to talk. Apologies to the people of Oklahoma. You guys roll shit joints and you know it.

4. Bats in the Belfry, Dispatch

I’m a big vibes guy, and this song brings plenty of good ones for any type of person. Whether it’s your buddy Orin who needs to cut his hair or Stu who has been wearing the same Sperrys since 8th grade, it just feels good.

5. Feels Good, Tony Toni Tone

Feels good! Tony Toni Tone! It was a hit song, I think. Perfect for porch beers or purge planets.

6. Honky Tonk Man, Dwight Yoakam

Great hair, that Dwight Yoakam. Serious next level flow. Great pipes, too. Some of the best.

7. Cold Blooded, Rick James

But he’s got nothing on that Rick James hair. That’s iconic. Take notes, kids, cause this is the music your dad used to rail your mom out to. You can’t deny it. It just gets the feet moving and the hips swinging. Might have to throw it on my personal “Ideal Songs For Porch Orgies” list.

8. Stunt 101, G-Unit

Learning to stunt is an essential part of binge drinking. Fitty and the boys just scream dominance. Name a song that establishes you over the competition across the street. Do it. In the comments. So I can use it.

9. Walking In A Hurricane, John Fogerty

Fogerty’s got an iconic voice and an unearthly command of his instrument. CCR wouldn’t have been CCR without Fogerty, but I think he might have made it on his own regardless.

10. Early Morning Shakes, Whiskey Myers

From the alcohols. It’s a real thing. Ask your uncle, I bet, ’cause he can tell you. Then check out this monster tune from a damn fine group of country musicians.

Again, be sure to leave your suggestions in the comments for a chance to be featured on next week’s edition. As always, don’t drink and drive.

Check out the rest of the list on Spotify…

Email this to a friend

Karl Karlson

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

30 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More