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3 Ways To Stuff Your Idealistic Fraternity President Into A Metaphoric Trash Can

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Every couple of semesters one comes along. That chapter president you elected because he’s cool under pressure and a generally charismatic guy. He can talk to the cops and smooth things over with the alumni, but he’s not going to get into your business too much. Just the way it should be.

That is until he goes away to that leadership conference at the Office of Greek Life that most of your elected officers in the past blew off and suddenly comes back with strange ideas about “becoming more socially conscious” and “reforming the chapter’s image.”

These are red flags. You have the House Manager bug his wifi connection just to be safe. That’s when you see him emailing various people in the administration, including somebody called the “Associate Secretary Director for Diversity and Inclusion Preferring the Pronouns She/Her/Hers” and scheduling the college police liaison to give a “safety talk.”

Something is deeply wrong here. You feel like you need to do something but what are your options?

1. Public Protests

We’ve established — in this country — that the main way to express your dislike of a president is to get together in a drunk, really amped up mob and break stuff. This is exactly what you should do.

Gather everyone in the house, and immediately throw a giant rager. You don’t need to tell anybody what’s going on, just pass the bottles and get ready to drain and toss them. It’s important that you do so in a public place. Don’t want to damage your own house. Preferably on the steps of your student union or your quad. That way, if you get too rowdy and set a car on fire, you can just say you’re protesting Trump or an oil pipeline or something like that and everyone will be cool with it.

2. Blackmail

Maybe partying really hard and trashing a public place didn’t convince your new president you were socially conscious enough. He’s still trying to set up a guest lecture with some graduate assistants from the Women’s Center about how boat shoes perpetuate rape culture. Time to get serious.
You still have that video of him motorboating that stripper at the last “Executive Retreat” right? Of course you do. Fail Friday is coming up, it would be a shame if your no-fun, socially conscious president doing something awesome were accidentally shared with the world.

3. Impeachment

Okay, so you just remembered you already posted that video, and about six others all over both his personal and the chapter Facebook page a couple months back. His mom liked it, and she’s pretty hot for a mom. Make a mental note to chat her up at the next Family Weekend.

Plus, blackmail is a pretty weak way to exert control over your elected officers. You know what’s better? Impeachment.

And I don’t mean the legal process that’s going to result in a billion hours of chapter meetings and Judicial Committee sessions. Nobody has time for that bullshit.

I’m talking about taking your president out back, holding him down, and getting him so blasted on peach schnapps he finds out how to be fun again.

You’ll have your boy howling at the moon and pissing on the Dean’s creepy lawn gnomes again in no time.

Just remember to skip those leadership seminars from now on. Did you know ‘Seminar’ comes from the word ‘semen’? It’s basically a bunch of Greek Life guys jacking into your mouth.

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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