If I Were A Boy

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Nice Move


No, this is not an ode to Beyoncé – It’s about everything I’d do if I was blessed with a penis and was thus able to live in a frat house.

I went to the University of Arizona. I was in Greek Life, and I’ll admit – I liked having clean bathrooms, an amazing chef, and the ability to never have to watch The Real Housewives alone. But I’d be lying if I never fantasized about what life would be like had I been endowed with certain rights that didn’t ban me from being in a frat house before 10 P.M. and after 2 A.M.

So here it is, men. Here’s what I would do if I could flip the script and trade my sorority mansion for your frat castle.

Spend My Bar Time With The 2s, Spend My Bed Time With The 10s

Sometimes you just want to spend a little time with someone who will big time stroke your ego. Plus, in a crowded bar blasting “Sweet Caroline,” it’s a lot easier to understand “You’re so hot” than some intimate conversation about where this relationship is going. Your second round draft pick is a great go-to for that, but it’s always confused me why you’d choose to go home with them. Especially when you can still see your 10 eyeing you from across the bar. Sure, after ignoring her all night it might take some time to convince her that she’s your number 1, but a little bit of creativity can go a long way.

If it were me, I’d print a couple different photos of me with my various 10s (Who am I kidding? I’d have my pledges do it) and put them in a frame next to my bed. Then, at the bar I’d simply show my first rounder the picture of the frame on my night stand and say, “If I wanted to be with other girls, would I have this?” *cue forgiveness*

If girls were to do it, it’d be creepy, but for guys, it’s a grand romantic gesture that will make her forget about the last three hours you spent making out with that “gross” girl.

See How Many Times I Can Wear The Same Outfit In A Row

Girls overthink things like “I can’t wear a black dress, I wore a black dress last weekend and my frat daddy can’t think I only own black dresses,” even though I’m pretty sure guys care more about getting blacked out than your black dress. Girls spend hours of their lives getting ready, so now that I’m a dude I’m gonna go to the gym at 7 p.m. (Just kidding! Now that I’m a guy, girls care way less about my bod – they’re just happy I’m giving them attention and not that hot blonde in the corner) take a shower, throw on some khaki shorts and the same frat tank I wore last weekend, and still be ready to pregame at 9 p.m. Plus, I have pledges now so it’s not like any of my laundry will ever be dirty, right?

Stock My Room With Flaming Hot Cheetos & Chaser

Why am I the first person to come up with this? 98% of the reason girls leave a party early is because they’re hungry. A simple solution? I’d stock my room with Flaming Hot Cheetos. Girls love flaming hots. So now they’re in your room and you’re their hero/soulmate because you’ve provided them their favorite snack. Why do you think there are so many delivery guys and not girls? Because nothing makes panties drop faster than pizza. Also, I’d throw in some Pepsi and Sprite. No girl likes grape soda, but every girl is looking for a chaser.

Install A Full Time Pledge-Finder

Pledges are just like unpaid interns except without the burden of providing them with actual life skills or having to respond to their emails. That is why I’d take full advantage, mostly for the purpose of bringing me food when I’m hungover and delivering my beer to the shower when I’m ready to rally again. I get this is already a thing, but what if there was a more efficient way? Like, I don’t know, an app that lets you know exactly where your minion is and let you send them their next task?

Go To A Super Smart But Greek-Life-Oriented School

If I was even a semi-attractive guy, I’d go to the smartest school I could get into, pick a super smart major to eliminate the competition, then pull a George Clooney and land the hottest girl I could find. She’d be hot and smart so I wouldn’t have to explain to her how to breathe or answer any dumb questions. If I’m trying to be the next Jordan Belfort, I don’t have time to help her figure out if butter’s a carb or not.

Build “Shacker Sweats” Into Our Dues

I’m a guy now, so I would like to take advantage of this time and invite my lady friend to spend the night. But guess what — this isn’t Nordstrom and I don’t get a delivery of new clothes every week. To make sure my clothes stay where they belong — in my bedroom — we’d have a clothing bin by the front door they can pull from, which pledges would keep stocked with t-shirts and sweatpants.

Let’s stop all this “girls and boys are the same” nonsense. There’s a ton of stuff guys can do that girls just can’t, and sometimes I find myself getting a little down about having to buy makeup, curl my hair, and wear a bra.

But, whenever I get down about being a girl, Jack Dawson’s face comes to mind, and I remember, “Woman and children first.”


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