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If You Wingman Right, You’ll Be The One Leaving With A Girl

How To Be The Best Wingman

Landing on your feet following a breakup is a tall order. Perhaps, if you’re a particularly suave fellow, there were a few girls in the pipeline as the partnership circled the drain, biding their time before an imminent break up. But most of us, at some point, have found ourselves single and with a bare cupboard; without a single prospect to help unclog the love pipe after a hard night of draining the José.

Inherent frustrations notwithstanding, the single life deserves to be championed, even when hookups can be tough to arrange. Your late teens and early twenties are far too soon to settle down with some soft six who makes you watch House of Cards and take her to Tex Mex shitholes three nights a week in exchange for letting you snag a lay once or twice a month. College relationships get stale after some time, and the siren song of singlehood draws many of us back to hookup apps and karaoke nights, chasing that magical, elusive one night stand.

Melting the magnetic strip off your dad’s credit card as a means of striking up a conversation with a girl you’ve been eyeing from across the bar is a time-tested, oft-failed method of breaking a dry spell. Using bar or door duty at a party may net incrementally better results — though every chapter is bound to have some dick who claims to have mastered the art of wooing the groups of drunk freshman girls that are always in the company of that one guy who thinks he’s owed admittance to the party — seeing as he’s brought an army of drunk freshman girls — as though he’s appearing before a douchey Renaissance king with the head of the heir-apparent to a rival kingdom in his grasp, asking for a high position on the king’s council. In tandem with a multitude of other, even worse methods, these attempts at making the most of your time as a college bachelor net an average success somewhere between Andre Drummond’s free throw percentage and Mario Mendoza’s career batting average: in other words, not good.

That being said, the science of getting laid is similar to free throw shooting, a batting average, and even goal scoring in hockey: the more you press, the lower your chances of success. Busting out your best slightly-too-tight, way-overpriced shirt and setting your objective at bagging the best piece of ass you set your eyes on will find you at home around 12:30 a.m. alone behind a locked door with your pants around your ankles. To find success in the realm of casual encounters is to almost abandon the endeavor completely and become a distinguished wingman.

Unlike the guy trying to get laid, you, as a wingman, need not engineer a good reason to approach a group of good looking patrons or partygoers, seeing as you’re only here to ensure your buddy enjoys his night in the most depraved manner possible… or so you don’t get fined, in the off-chance your buddy is Vice President of Judicial Affairs or your name’s Marshawn. A good reason for initiating and making a good first impression is the biggest hurdle to clear, and with no discernible lecherous intent, conversation need not be forced. Dare I say, the interaction can seem almost genuine. Your only role is to divert the friend[s] while your buddy completely blows his chance of scoring with the best looking girl in the group.

As you set your unwitting accomplice up to take the object of his admiration back to his beer-stained twin bed, you’re afforded an even better opportunity to catch the fancy of her friend — but try too hard and you’ll ruin the whole thing. After fifteen minutes of boasting your Rocket League rank, comparing Melania Trump to Stifler’s mom, and other awful conversation, the subject of your failed distraction campaign will drag her friend to the bathroom, never again to be seen (see: the “we gotta go girl”).

Given the right mindset, however, a seasoned wingman can do much more than just stage a finite distraction for his friend. It’s important to master the psychological aspect of wingmanning. With the distractee’s friend garnering what seems to be all the attention, a seedy sidekick can benefit from some good old-fashioned female jealousy. Mix in enough subtle body language, a free drink or two, and some well-honed listening skills, and you may find yourself back at her pad while your buddy attempts to sled through her friend’s stonewalling of his advances.

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Kramer Smash

Kramer is a future Bachelorette contestant with an affinity for brown girls, who hails from the more successful side of the keystone state. He enjoys long crawls to the liquor cabinet and has only been punched in the face once. Send lovelies to kraysmash@gmail.com

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