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I’m A Fuckboy

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The modern term “fuckboy” has multiple definitions, all somewhat varying but usually falling under the same umbrella of “basic douchebag.” One definition I found on Urban Dictionary sums it well:

A fuckboy is the type of guy who does shit that generally pisses the population of the earth off all the time. He will also lead girls on just for hookups, says he’s really into you but doesn’t want to deal with all the “relationship bullshit” just to fuck you. He thinks about himself and only himself all the time but pretends to be really nice. …Once a fuckboy always a fuckboy, because fuck boys gonna be fuckboys.

While whoever wrote that was clearly going through some shit, it’s an accurate analysis of the psychological anatomy of the typical fuckboy. A fuckboy is too forward when he flirts because he’s too drunk to remember what “subtlety” means. A fuckboy says absolutely whatever he can to try to sleep with you, even if it means lying about his feelings for you, his job résumé, dick size, GPA, or political views. A fuckboy will try to lie about being best friends with Steph Curry just for a 0.0001% chance of getting an unpleasant handy in an IHOP bathroom at 2:22 a.m.

A fuckboy will cut straight to the chase with horrific pickup lines like “Are you the tiger exhibit at the zoo? ‘Cause I wanna put a baby in you.” Or “Are you a school? ‘Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you.” Is saying that sentence out loud ever morally defensible? Of course not. But there’s no universe where fuckboys give a damn about morals.

One of the most fascinating fuckboy fun facts is that a vast majority of fuckboys don’t even know they’re fuckboys. As embarrassing as it is to admit it, I was once one of those poor, naive bastards. But I recently stumbled upon the life-changing epiphany that I am indeed a fuckboy.

Granted, I’m harder to spot from afar because I don’t have The Official Fuckboy Uniform (yes, those words were capitalized on purpose because they’re that damn important to fuckboy culture). So if you don’t know me, you may not immediately be able to tell from across the room.

For those of you who don’t know, The Official Fuckboy Uniform contains the following items:

-a backwards hat
-or the fuckboy haircut
-a Tinder bio that says “not looking for anything serious”
-a deep-rooted fondness for the most recent G-Eazy album
-the name Chaz
-a father who’s a lawyer

That’s the typical look. It’s what we’re taught in fuckboy school on day one. In fuckboy school, we took classes like “How To Hit On Girls At A Stoplight Even Though It’s Pointless” and “Why The ‘Fast and Furious’ Film Franchise Is An American Treasure.”

Rest assured, despite my lack of popped collars and my minimalist hat collection, deep at heart and I am a fuckboy. It burns within my soul. To quote the hook of Macklemore’s “Same Love” (his only song that doesn’t make me wanna drink bleach), it’s summed up perfectly in the words “I can’t change, even if I tried.”

So take a long hard look in the mirror. Be completely honest with yourself. Are you a fuckboy? If so, you need to stop living in denial. Learn how to embrace your true self, and please know that you are never alone. Fuckboys are everywhere, and they’re unavoidable. We’re the worst people on Earth, but we’re here to stay.

Long live the fuckboy.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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