I’m Quitting Internet Porn

Email this to a friend

Nice Move

Screen Shot 2016-06-16 at 3.47.33 PM

I’m done with Internet porn. Yup. I’m done. Consider me retired. Someone go to the computer room at my parents’ house and hang that crusty sock from the rafters (please play the instrumental version of the national anthem).

It’s been a good run but I’m just sore. I can’t keep up anymore. Theres literally a mark on my chest where I put my laptop. I’m done with the searches that bring me to a type of porn that I didn’t even know could get me hard. I’ve had enough anxiety from seeing that I forgot to delete the search bar. Internet porn is a young man’s game, and, if I’m perfectly honest, maybe it should be no man’s game. Maybe the Internet is too vast. Maybe the bounds of which a boner can be pushed are getting stretched too far. Sometimes I’ll have a session that doesn’t even end with a climax. As if there’s a scene I couldn’t find. But I don’t even know what scene that is. I’m just lost. I feel like I’m in a desert without a compass. You know what I mean? (Every girl leaves column, every guy nods depressingly)

Internet porn has left me full and starving all at once and I think it’s time to go back to a simpler time. Remember that old school whack? Sneaking off to a bathroom with a magazine that wasn’t even meant to be sexual. Pacing your breath so it wasn’t too loud like a long distance runner on mile one. Leaving enough time to take a dump afterwards that was long but not “I just left every form of fluid my body produces in that toilet” long. Having that weird conversation with your mom right after you did nasty things to a person modeling L.L. Bean backpacks.

At the time this all felt like a horrible experience. But now? I miss it. I miss the old school whacking experience because it made me want real sex more. It made me wish for a bed and a clean up that could be done at my own pace. It made me use my imagination. It made the real thing an experience outside of what my mind could conjure.

Today’s sex is a lot like ordering Chinese food in New York City. You search and search for a place in a sea of options until you find a place. Then you get done eating and you’re wondering if you should have just stuck with masturbating to POV porn instead of trying to leave a girl’s apartment without making her mad.

But you don’t remember. Some of you are too young to harken back to tougher times of coming. Sex just isn’t as good to you. Hell, last week I got an email on the Kid’s Choice Awards winning JTRAIN Podcast from a guy who’s into girls farting. Yup. That thing you do in public near fat people so everyone assumes it’s them. That gets this kid rock hard. The real kicker is that Boner Farts is a virgin. That’s right. This guy hasn’t even had sex yet and he’s already got a “thing.” How’s he ever going to enjoy himself? That first time will be even more disappointing than your average first time if she doesn’t screw up and land a silent but deadly. Nope. This kid is ruined. He watched one video that had a girl let one loose in a guy’s face and, surprisingly, his penis moved. Now his love life is that much harder because he needs to constantly wonder, “What if she thinks it’s weird if I ask her to eat this can of baked beans and then have sex?”

My point isn’t that this Internet porn isn’t great. The point is maybe we were just better off not knowing. That’s why I’m going back. I’m going to a still-life world. I’m stocking my bathroom with the magazines you find at the doctor’s office. I’m shaking an older woman’s hand afterwards. I’m going to start taping old Boy Meets World Topanga scenes on a VHS for special occasions. I think it will help my taste for the real thing. I think it will help you, too.

Image via Shutterstock

Comments

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or create an account.

Click to Read Comments (42)