Every self-respecting man appreciates a fine craft brew, but prefers drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series, I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nancys who are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.
This edition’s defendant is Milwaukee’s Best Light. Colloquially referred to as “Beast,” MBL is a light lager from the eponymous and me-proclaimed most underrated city in America — Milwaukee, Wisconsin — that boasts a 4.2% ABV. I have fond memories of the Beast. Not from my time at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, though, as you may have just assumed like a presumptuous bitch — from my time studying abroad in Costa Rica. For reasons unknown, the Beast was the only American import beer I encountered down in the land of cerveza Imperial. Blew my mind. I split a 12er with my abroad roommate that was discounted even more than the natural discount that comes with bringing the dollar to a Central American country — felt just like home. That’s why I call Milwaukee’s Best Light “Costa Rican Champagne.”
Here’s what my crackhead uncle thinks about Milwaukee’s Best Light: “I took a tab then went down into the basement to grab a Beast from the fridge. Spent 9 hours looking at a ball of yarn wondering how it worked. Couldn’t, so I stabbed myself in the eye with a knitting needle. Forgot to grab the beer.” Sadly, not all reviewers have been raving about this nectar of the gods as much as I assume my Uncle Phil was with that cryptic review.
How do you make the worlds worst beer worse? Pour piss in it? No, that would have more flavor than this crap. I have no idea who drinks things like this, but I imagine that they’ve done far worse things than drink bad beer. Probably great at waswhing the taste of crack out of your mouth, though.- StoutOrDeath, ratebeer.com
I’d ask my crackhead uncle Phil about its crack flavor-washing abilities but, as I said, he never got to sample the Beast. Furthermore, I don’t trust beer ratings from people who prefer death to any beer other than a stout, StoutOrDeath. Stouts taste like you’re stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits and have to drink your way out. I’d rather suck on a muffler, both for the improved taste and the death it would cause me.
Bought a six pack and went to the beach. Poured on a pilsner glass. Looked like a watery yellow, pretty nasty. Smelled like corn and rice. Taste was the worst. Defenitely worst beer ive had in my life. I could give it a 0 but I cant. Just barely had 1 and gave the rest to some random guy at the beach. DONT DRINK THIS “BEER”- Nolo, beeradvocate.com
You aren’t allowed to bring glass to the beach, you piece of shit. Oh, so you like little children slicing their feet open on shards of glass, do ya? You probably roofied that beer before giving it to the random guy, too, you piece of toad shit.
Aroma of cold piss, appearance of burnt bladder piss, flavor of post-asparagus piss, palate of you-sure-this-isn’t-piss? Holy Smokes. This is the only beer I didn’t finish because of the taste. A six pack of 16-ouncers for like $0.19 and I threw them away.- foreignpolicy, ratebeer.com
This guy doesn’t understand the concept of value. He bought 96 ounces of beer for just over $0.00197 cents/ounce and he’s complaining about the nosefeel, taste, appearance, and mouthfeel? It doesn’t matter what it was; if I bought anything for that cheap, I’d enjoy the fuck out of it solely because it would mean I’m a fucking deal closer. Flat Vault soda from 2005, that clear liquid that’s in blisters, Babboon blood with AIDS in it… gimme gimme for $0.00197 cents/ounce.
Notes: Wow this is awful, at least it tastes than better it smells. I probably only had 1/3 of the can, and my stomach hurts.- dauss, beeradvocate.com
That’s the delicious Beast trying its hardest to escape the confines of your weakling stomach.
It rates a zero. Wow. That is amazing. Do any other beers rate a zero on here? I’m not even going to waste my time talking about the beer. It is more fun to make fun of its score. I think if I was stranded on an island with only MBL as sustanence I would go ahead and die. I wouldn’t even open the bottle to use as a message carrier. Where would I pour it? It would kill all life near me.- pintocb, ratebeer.com
I’m not even going to waste my time defending the beer. It is more fun to make fun of you.
1. You need a corked bottle to execute the famous “message in a bottle” method of surviving a shipwreck, dipshit.
2. You already kill all life near you.
3. Pintos are the worst beans, coming in after lima, kidney, and even Lena Dunham’s.
Someone who has their head on straight
BEAST!!!!! WE LOVE IT. UNIVERSITY OF DAYTON KEEPS THIS STUFF IN BUSINESS CAUSE IT IS SOOOO GOOOOD!! BEAST BEAST BEAST BEAST BEAST BEAST BEAST BEAST BEAST!!!!! I’D DRINK BEAST BEFORE I’D DRINK ANYTHING.- Kev18Pohl99, ratebeer.com
Milwaukee’s Best Light: Costa Rican/Dayton Champagne..
Image via YouTube