Inside An Internal Hazing Inquiry On External Hazing
(*The fraternity President, Pledge Trainer, Risk Management Chair, and two Pledges sit in the chapter room in uncomfortable silence.*)
Pledge Trainer: (*to the Pledges*) I fucking hate you. If we weren’t literally in trouble for hazing right now I would haze the shit out of you.
Pledge 1: It’s not our fault!
President: IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
Pledge 2: We thought we were helping!
Pledge Trainer: Thought? What’d I tell you on the first day? Everything you think is wrong. Like two plus two equals five, wrong. Child pornography, wrong. Y’all are the living, breathing, fucking embodiment of WRONG!
President: I can’t believe this might be how we actually go down.
(*The door to the chapter room slowly opens, Alumni Advisor silently walks in and places his things on the table. He says nothing and looks at no one. There is another uncomfortable silence.*)
(*Finally, the Alumni Advisor looks up at the group*)
Alumni Advisor: I have a 5-year-old son…
President: And he is adorable sir.
Alumni Advisor: Shut up. (*Takes a breath*) Last night at dinner, my 5-year-old son was telling me about his day at school. He said that his best friend, Timmy, wouldn’t share with him during play time. I asked my son why, and my son, who I remind you is five, said, and I quote, “Because Timmy is a cocksucker.”
Risk Manager: Bid.
(Alumni Advisor gives Risk Manager a look of pure hate.*)
Risk Manager (cont.): Just saying…
Alumni Advisor: Do you know why my son knows the word “cocksucker?”
President: TV? The Internet?
Risk Manager: Sounds like a verbally abusive teacher to me. I had a math teacher once tell me to slit my wrists until all the retard bled out. You need to look into that, I was never the same at math after that.
Alumni Advisor: My son knows the word cocksucker because nowadays when I get a phone call about this chapter I can no longer restrain my FUCKING RAGE and, God help me, my screams of “THOSE COCKSUCKERS” echo through my house every single GODDAMN time I hear about this chapter’s latest fuck up.
President: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Parenting isn’t easy. No father’s perfect.
Risk Manager: Take Mike Sullivan’s dad, he’s dead.
Alumni Advisor: Who the fuck is Mike Sullivan?
President: He’s a sophomore…with a dead dad. It’s not important.
Alumni Advisor: Whatever. I’ve heard a lot of fucked up shit with you people. The kinds of things that at times make me question the future of this country, if not humanity itself. But this…who wants to start explaining?
President: Well, I mean, where to begin?
Alumni Advisor: How about at the part where you all captured and hazed another fraternity’s pledge, and now charges have been filed.
Risk Manager: Whoa. Hold on. I mean, can you really haze another fraternity’s pledge?
Alumni Advisor: You could argue that, of course if they agreed to that technicality they’d still probably just say you flat out assaulted him.
Risk Manager: And which one is worse, exactly? I mean legally speaking, not morally.
Alumni Advisor: Someone just tell me what happened!
President: Well sir, none of the active members of the house actually did anything. You see, most of us were gone for the weekend. Only the pledges were at the house at the time.
Alumni Advisor: What were they doing there?
President: (*innocently*) They were just drinking.
Alumni Advisor: You mean the 18 and 19-year-old pledges?
President: Oh, right…yeah…
Risk Manager: At least it was in a safe environment?
Alumni Advisor: You mean the safe environment where an alleged assault took place?
Risk Manager: Oh, right…yeah…
Alumni Advisor: And what happened next?
Pledge Trainer: I think we should let dipshit and fucktard here explain. (*points to the Pledges*) They were the ringleaders.
(*Alumni Advisor looks over to the pledges, who shudder with fear*)
Alumni Advisor: Well dipshit and fucktard, who’d like to go first?
Pledge 1: (*terrified*) Well…uh, uh…it was nighttime and uh…
Pledge Trainer: Please, don’t be shy. You certainly weren’t shy when you were blackout drunk and dragged the pledge you captured back to his fraternity house screaming, “Come out Gamma! We have your pledge! Out Gamma!”
Alumni Advisor: Jesus Christ, what are you? Pledges of the Corn?
Pledge 2: Hold on. Let me start from the beginning. All of this will make a lot more sense.
Alumni Advisor: I seriously doubt it but that’s probably the best thing to do regardless.
Pledge 2: Okay, so yes, we were at the house drinking. All the actives were gone. I was on the second floor talking to this freshman Pi, she’s a virgin but I was pretty sure she’d go down on me so I invited her into, uh, well into the president’s room to take some shots.
President: What!?! I have a very important question about my sheets that I’ll be asking you after this meeting.
Alumni Advisor: I really could give a shit about who went down on you that night unless, God forbid, it was the poor bastard you captured.
Pledge 2: Hey, we’re not a bunch of perverts! The only person who went down on me was that virgin.
Alumni Advisor: I swear to God half the time you guys don’t even realize how fucked up you are.
Risk Manager: As soon as I took office I motioned to buy a couple breathalyzers to keep track of that for safety’s sake but no one wanted to appropriate the funds. I told you guys we should’ve.
Alumni Advisor: Are you high? Stop talking. (*to Pledge 2*) You, fuckwad or assdick or whatever, continue.
Pledge 2: So I look out the window and some kid is trying to steal our seal. So I put the blow jay on hold and spring into action. I rounded my pledge class and we ran outside and caught kid. Then we brought him inside. After a little interrogating we found out he was a pledge from another fraternity.
Alumni Advisor: What does “a little interrogating” mean?
Pledge 2: Suffice it say we’d all seen Zero Dark Thirty and thought the crazy haired guy was pretty badass.
Alumni Advisor: Oh, so you tortured him? Lovely. And at that point you didn’t call the police because…
Pledge 2: Uh…
Pledge Trainer: Because they’re pledges sir. They just eat, shit, and ask stupid questions. They’re the worst pledges of all time, and for once that isn’t hyperbole. I’m of the opinion that a group of drunk water-boarders would have handled this better.
Alumni Advisor: Isn’t it your job to teach them to not be so goddamn stupid?
Pledge Trainer: Honestly sir, the drastic measures required to make this group of learning disabled slapdicks into passable human beings would have probably resulted in an inquiry very similar to this one.
Alumni Advisor: Almost anything would be better than this. When a story is just “hazing” it can be explained. The truth can be massaged. But when a scandal is being called “Greek Town Abu Ghraib” IT’S A LITTLE HARDER TO SWEEP UNDER THE RUG!
President: To be fair, they’re only calling it that because the pledges took an Abu Ghraib style photo with the kid.
Pledge 2: I fully admit that Instagramming that was a mistake.
Alumni Advisor: Is there anything else that isn’t in the police report that I should know about before I go to the administration and either offer a new building or a half dozen hand jobs? Or both.
President: What exactly is in the police report again?
Alumni Advisor: Let’s run down the list shall we? Kidnapping, assault, the pledge was forced to do wall sits while our pledges threw eggs and produce at him, someone peed in one of his shoes, someone who apparently is quite the impressionist took his phone, called his dad, and came out to him, oh and then downloaded every gay porno app known to man, which I guess went to his family’s cell phone bill, further convincing them of the “outing.” It is honestly disturbing how thorough that person was. Then there was of course the public hostage scene, and apparently there was also talk of giving him a pube beard but fortunately that never came to fruition.
President: (*sighs*) Yeah…that about covers it.
Alumni Advisor: Okay, well once again you people have reached horrifying new lows; you make me ashamed of my past as well as my present association with you. I will now attempt to explain and cover up your egregious wrongdoings for what seems like the thousandth time. The fact that none of you seem to feel any shame whatsoever makes me question your very humanity. This is by far the worst executive board I’ve ever dealt with. I hate all of you. May God have mercy on your souls, though none of you deserve it.
(*Alumni Advisor gets up and leaves. Every sits in silence for a moment.*)
President: We’re probably going to see him again in like a week.
Pledge 1: Wha..why?
President: Because we are going to destroy you.
Pledge 2: Shit.
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