(*The presidents of every University of Alabama fraternity sit in a lecture hall, anxiously waiting to learn what the fate of their pledge programs. Vice President for Student Affairs, Mark Nelson, enters the room*)
Nelson: Gentlemen. Thank you for meeting with me today. There are a couple of things I’m going address, and then I’ll let you ask any questions you may have.
(*President 1 raises his hand*)
Nelson (cont): No, I’m sorry, can you save your questions until I’m finished.
President 1: It’ll be quick, I swear.
Nelson: Okay, fine, what is it?
President 1: Are there not going to be any refreshments at this meeting?
Nelson: What? No.
President 1: Goddammit. I knew I should’ve sent a pledge to this shit. Why are we here again?
Nelson: We’re here to discuss what you just brought up, actually. We’re discussing the University of Alabama IFC pledge programs and the mistreatment, or flat out hazing, of many of your fraternities’ pledges.
President 1: Sending a pledge to a meeting for you isn’t hazing.
Nelson: Yes, it is.
President 1: They did it! (*points to a different fraternity’s pledge sitting a row away*)
Nelson (to Pledge 1): You’re a pledge?
Pledge 1 (*sighs*): Yeah, our president made me come to this. He said he was busy…
Nelson: What could POSSIBLY be more important than this?
Pledge 1: He said if you asked that to say that he had an exam, but the truth is he was really wasted and about to get a blowjob from some girl. He said it was going to take at least 30 minutes because of how blackout he was. Then he gave the girl a bunch of cough drops, called them blow-jay cortisones, and said that her jaw better not go all “Jeter’s ankle” on his cock.
Nelson: Jesus Christ…
President 2: YOU FUCKING PLEDGE SNITCH!
(*Nelson shoots President 2 a disgusted look*)
President 2: What? He’s not my pledge. That’s not hazing… IT’S NOT!
Nelson: How many other people here are pledges who were sent in place of their presidents?
(*half the room raises their hands*)
Nelson: Goddammit! That’s hazing!
President 1: What’s the big deal? I bet you make people go to meetings for you all the time.
Nelson: That’s different.
President 1: How?
Nelson: Because they get paid to do it.
President 1: I’m sure all these pledges received some sort of compensation.
Nelson: Really, like what?
President 1: Like doing this instead of having to do real pledge stuff somewhere else.
Pledge 1: It’s true. This is already the best part of my day. Best part of my week, actually.
Nelson: I’m just going to move on. The university has received a number of very specific, very disturbing reports of hazing to its anonymous hazing hotline. Too many to ignore gentlemen.
President 3: Who cares?
Nelson: Who cares? Everyone cares!
President 3: Why does everyone care about what some random person sent in to an anonymous hazing hotline? You don’t even know who sent it! No one cared two weeks ago when we had our pledges out on the quad literally trying to do cock pushups.
(*Nelson stares blankly at President 3*)
President 3 (cont): You know, pushups that you do with your penis?
Nelson: Yeah, I get it.
President 3: Sometimes we call it rooster style.
President 3: Just ‘cause it’s a funny way to say it.
Nelson: Enough. Does anyone want to hear who exactly will be getting punished for hazing?
President 2: It’s not all of us!?!? Fucking sweet! WE GOT A CHANCE!
Nelson: Your house IS being punished.
President 2: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. For what!?! Is it because at that one lineup that pledge started crying after we stole his psych major girlfriend’s dream journal and read it aloud to the pledge class? So then everyone found out she had a thing for chicks and started making him tuck it under and send naked selfies to her so that he looked like a man-lady? Yes we made him drink his own tears, but that wasn’t threatening to his health. Well, mental health maybe, but physically he was fine. I mean he sort of had a panic attack but we gave him someone’s inhaler and he was fine.
Nelson: I was unaware of that one actually…
President 2: Oh… well then what? Because we made the pledges audit that autopsy at the nursing school and said that the first guy to puke and the first guy to get hard each had to whisper an apology for their disrespect into the corpse’s ear? THAT ENDED UP BEING THE SAME GUY! Only one person had to do it! That’s not even that bad!
Nelson: Didn’t know that was you guys.
President 2: SHIT. You know what, I’m just going to stop.
President 1: Excuse me, sir. What exactly were the charges sent in to the hazing hotline?
Nelson: I can’t tell you exactly what was reported, only that certain houses were reported.
President 1: Well I only ask because, and wow do I have egg on my face right now, but I only ask because we may or may not have prank called the hazing hotline more than a few times.
President 2: Yeah, we kinda did that too.
President 3: Oh we for sure did. It was hilarious. Well until now, I guess.
Pledge 1: Honestly, even we did. We mostly just farted into the phone though.
Nelson: It’s there for your benefit!
Pledge 1: Eh, it’s still sort of gay though, you know?
Nelson: No, wasn’t aware. So what exactly did you all say?
President 1: I was pretty drunk but if I recall correctly we said something about HIS house (*points to President 2*) ordering a bunch of strippers to come over and hang out in the basement while they forced their pledges to drop acid and watch American Psycho with the strippers until one of the pledges freaked the fuck out on a girl. Did you get that complaint?
President 2 (laughing): You sons of bitches!
President 1: You’re not mad?
President 2: Oh I’m furious, but to be fair we called the hazing hotline and said that YOUR house had more elephant walks than The Jungle Book. I acted like a pledge and said that I couldn’t get the smell of pubes and shaft off of my hand no matter how hard I scrubbed. (*to Nelson*) Did you get that one?
Nelson (*shakes head*): You bastards…
President 3: Yeah, honestly we called in a report on a house that said all of the pledges were forced to take Extenze until their shaft couldn’t fit through the bottom of a pair of hipster skinny jeans.
President 1: That’s actually not a terrible idea though.
President 3: Well I don’t know if it’d actually work.
President 1: I mean I’m not really familiar with the chemistry of male enhancement pills and penile expansions but if it could work…
Nelson: ENOUGH! So what you’re telling me is that most of the charges sitting in front of me are bullshit?
President 1: Um…probably?
Nelson: You know what? I don’t care. I’ll drop the bullshit charges, which… (*reads over list of charges*)… apparently turns out to be most of them… GODDAMMIT! But whatever, guess what? Pledgeship is still done for the year. You have to initiate your pledges IMMEDIATELY.
President 2: WHY!?!?!
Pledge 1: Yeah, even I’m not cool with this. I’m a legacy, so if you don’t let me complete my pledgeship here at school and get legitimately initiated then my dad and all his fraternity brothers are going to get drunk and turn my holidays into the nightmare before, during, and after Christmas. One of my dad’s pledge brothers, who he calls SodoMike, for reasons I never want to know outside of the fact that his name is Mike, already said he’s going to make me “man stuff a Christmas goose” if I’m not initiated “like a man” by December 24th. Please don’t make me find out what any of that means.
Nelson: Guess what assholes? I don’t care. I don’t care if most of the charges brought against you aren’t actually valid or able to be proven. I don’t care if you’re opposed to my decision. I don’t even care if I’m fucking right or wrong. You know why? We’re in the news now! Which means we’re FUCKED unless we do something. People don’t like words, they like action, ANY action. So unless Master Saban feels like pulling some media strings for us, and I doubt he has time since it’s the middle of football season AND close to Halloween, which means he’s sacrificing infants and goats pretty much 24/7 at this point, we’re gonna have to clean up our own mess. Pledgeship is done, probation for the couple of charges I can actually prove. I hate all of you, you make my life awful. I’m out.
(*Nelson storms out of the room*)
President 1: So we probably shouldn’t prank call that hazing hotline anymore, huh?
President 2: Anyone wanna go blackout?
President 3: YUP. (*To Pledge 1*) You’re drivin’, bitch.
Pledge 1: I’m not even in your house!
President 3: We’re all in this together now, and by the time you get home you won’t be a pledge anymore, so I’m squeezing every last bit of pledge out of you, for your own good.
Pledge 1: Shit. Fine.