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Inside the Mind of a Dick Pic Sender

Day 1

I think I’m gonna start a Twitter account.

Day 2

I wonder what I should tweet about? Probably something chicks will love. Twitter’s all about the bitches. I.LOVE.BITCHES.

Day 3

Okay, Twitter account made, handsome picture up as my avatar, time to start tweeting. Hmmm. What to say, what to say… what would the bitches wanna hear?

“Diamonds last a lifetime, but flowers are living proof of your love.”

Nice. Pussies, start your moistening.

Day 10

I’m getting some decent interest. Lots of filthy, top notch poon following me. The kind of snatch I could eat all mothufuckin’ day. YEAYUH.

I should quote the Bible. Which Psalm will best convey my desire to get a sloppy beej in a filthy bar bathroom? I’ll find something.

Day 12

HOLY FUCK! One of these desperate hoes just DM’d me. Nice. She’s not from too far away either. I’ll totally let her make the two hour drive to get the ole pile driver from yours truly. Now to convince her. How can I really sweeten the deal? Hmmm. It’ll come to me. I need to tweet something.

“You shouldn’t have to be a gentleman. You should just be yourself. Because you should be a gentleman already.”

That just got retweeted fifty times and I’m not even sure it made sense. Mostly chicks too, plus a couple fat dudes, what pussies. The internet is my bitch. I’m gonna slam so much box from this. Guaranteed. Seriously I’m gonna cock punch every snatch within a fifty mile radius.

Day 15

Over 1,000 followers already. I am FUCKING GOD!!! AND MY COCK IS JESUS AND ALL OF YOU SLUTS WILL WORSHIP AND PRAISE HIM.

Speaking of which, time to tweet another Bible verse.

Day 20

Damn. I still can’t convince this walking hole to drive down here. She gave me her number though. Maybe I need to up the ante. But how… how can I entice her to come fuck an internet stranger. Definitely not helping that Lifetime replayed their “Craigslist Killer” movie last night. That thing’s been a real fucking cock block.

I’ll figure something out. Meanwhile…

“Work Hard. Play Hard. Love Hard.”

I bet absolutely zero people realize that “Love Hard” is what I call my dick. Aaand there’s another 70+ retweets. And these sloots keep DM’ing me. It’s time to bag one of these bitches. But how…

Day 21 (The Middle of the Night)

(*Shoots out of bed in the middle of the night*)

I’VE GOT IT!

Day 21 (That Morning)

But should I?

Day 21 (Lunch)

I’m gonna do it.

Day 21 (Later that Evening)

Okay… let me just get the angle and lighting right… my D’s lookin’ swole, nice. No way this chick says no.

(*Snaps dick pic, looks at it*)

Let’s get a few more

(*Takes more dick pics, looks them over*)

These are looking good. This is the kind of meat tube you’d travel for. Goddamn! I am MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME. This is going to work perfectly without any unfortunate consequences whatsoever, I’m sure of it.

(*Sends out dick pic*)

Oh fuck, I better tweet something so she still thinks I’m a good guy.

“Look her in the eyes. You’ll like what you see.”

Whatever the fuck that means. 69 retweets. Awesome. It’s a sign from God that my dick’s goin’ swimmin’. Better tweet a Bible verse out of respect.

Day 26 (Drunk and Alone at a Bar)

I can’ believe that bitch didn’ even come after I sent a pic of my fuckin’ D-Unit. What the fuck!?! That shit was looking end-of-Boogie-Nights huge. HOW DO YOU SAY NO TO END-OF-BOOGIE-NIGHTS HUGE!?!? Whatever. Fuck her. Ima tweet some shit at her.

“Hey everbody, @southernsratpearlsbelle will give you AIDz. DON’T b a gentlmen to her.”

That’ll teach ‘er. Plenty other fish n the sea for me to skeet on. Ima go fishin’ with my dynamite stick.

(*Sends out more dick pics*)

Day 27 (The Next Morning)

That tweet was a bad idea. I really hope she doesn’t use the multiple pictures she has of my penis against me.

Day 27 (Later That Day)

OH GODDAMNIT SHE USED THE MULTIPLE PICTURES SHE HAS OF MY PENIS AGAINST ME!

She tweeted them out. I can’t fucking believe it. FUCK. Now a picture of my penis is in the Library of Congress… that’s kind of awesome actually, BUT THAT’S THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF THIS!

Oh God. Oh God. What am I going to do? I’m gonna SUE her! That’s what. Yeah. I mean, granted I sent her unsolicited dick pics and tried to get her to come fuck me, which is basically grade A sexual harassment, but still, I’M GOING TO FUCKING SUE HER!

Damnit! And my followers are turning against me. Quick, tweet out something gentlemanly.

“Being a gentleman is easy when it’s easy to be a gentleman.”

FUCK what does that even mean!?! That was retarded! No one’s buying it. I’m losing followers left and right, none of the skanks I was trying to plow are responding to my DM’s or texts, and some gay porn website keeps sending me casting call emails. This is a nightmare.

(*Deletes account*)

Oh if only I could have learned a lesson from Greg Oden, or Anthony Weiner, or Brett Favre, or Ron Artest, or Tyrann Mathieu, or Chris Brown or the LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO SENT DICK PICS AND ASSUMED THERE WOULD BE NO CONSEQUENCE.

(*Looks at phone*)

Fuck. Forgot I sent out like 12 more dick pics last night. God I hope I don’t go to jail, I’m too pretty for jail.

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